Faking It For Love (Read Time: 4 min.)

One of the ways that we deny ourselves the room to set healthy emotional boundaries comes in pretending to be someone we're not.  I remember being in a 10 year marriage and feeling like an imposter.  Who I was pretending to be was an appearance I couldn't possibly hold up.  I was afraid to be seen, horrified by the idea of being known.  At that point, being myself wasn't an option.  I kept thinking "What if he knew who I really was and how I really felt?  Would he want me then?" 

The truth is who I was never felt "good enough" so I denied myself the right to be me and, in doing so, usurped my power to set healthy emotional boundaries.  I bent over backwards to please.  I overextended myself for friends, family and my husband.  I beat myself up when I was tired and worked hard to push my true nature down when I'd feel that simmering level of discontent.  But that voice never went away.  You know the voice I'm talking about, the voice that says, "This won't work forever...  You deserve to be who you are... You don't have to apologize."

And one day the real me came pouring out.  I couldn't take living the lie anymore.  I couldn't keep pretending I was happy being an imposter when I was so far from happy, I couldn't see straight.  But when you wait til the point of emotional eruption to stand in your power, the opposite actually takes place. 

The glass house cracks, the foundation rips apart, and you're left in the rubble to pick up the broken pieces... a divorce, custody battle, and poverty stricken period later, that's what I was left with: the pieces of who I pretended to be mixed with the embers of who I was born to become. 

From there, I began to choose me.  I began to embrace myself: the good, the bad and the ugly.  I began to see that I deserved more than I had given myself, that I was worth more than the alter ego I was pretending to be and that I could say 'yes' or 'no' and not worry about other people's opinions of me because, honestly, what they thought of me was none of my business.

Don't get me wrong.  I still grapple with my alter ego.  There are moments when I feel myself conforming, working towards 'perfect' when all I really need to do is be real.  The difference between me five years ago and me today is this: I know I make mistakes.  I know I'm not perfect.  I know I can be hell on wheels some days and sweet as apple pie on others.  But I love my virtues and I love my vices and I refuse to apologize, defend, or cover up any of them.  That's what makes setting my emotional boundaries relatively easy. 

I'm now able to say: "This is me.  Take it or leave it" and feel good either way. 

Remember:

Faking it for love doesn't work. 

What love you obtain by deception you will lose by redemption,

yours and theirs. 

7 Signs that "I Need Space" is a Boundary Violation (Read time: 4 min.)

There are many different ways it can be said.  When one or both partners in a relationship declare a need for "space", it's a pivotal boundary moment. 

Is asking for space an attempt to save the relationship... or end it?
Is "I need space" the beginning of the end or a way to slow down and savor what's being built up?

Or is "Give me some space" a form of boundary violation? 

The answer is... Yes and No.

In Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries, Anne Katherine defines two types of boundary violations: intrusion and distance violations. 

What's the difference?

An intrusion boundary violation happens when someone crosses a physical or emotional boundary.  Examples of intrusion boundaries include incest, inappropriate communication, or overly controlling behavior. 

A distance violation is one in which a person inappropriately withdraws or withholds intimacy.  Distance violations are harder to detect than intrusion boundaries.  Most of us know when someone has inappropriately crossed a line.  However, most of us live in a limbo state of confusion when someone withdraws from us.  Oftentimes, we spend days and months wondering, "Did I do something wrong?  Is this person going through something?  Why all the distance?  Am I trying to hard?  If I give them space, will that help?" 

So focused on what you did wrong, this second guessing hurts self esteem and, in the meantime, ignores the real issue:

Is this a distance boundary violation?

Here are 7 signs that "I need space" really equates to a boundary violation:

Sign #1: The person withdraws from you when you show signs of wanting deeper levels of intimacy but comes closer to you when he or she needs comfort. 

Sign #2: The person demands an unspecified amount and duration of "space" out of the blue and cannot clearly explain why space, at this point, is necessary.  This demand for space is enforced without any consideration for or input from you.

Sign #3: The person wants to continue certain aspects of the relationship (i.e. sex, work relationship, borrowing money or items, living arrangements) but does not want to contribute to the relationship in a way that involves emotional investment and commitment.

Sign #4: When you ask to "talk", the person discounts the idea of communicating and dismisses your feelings, needs and desires.

Sign #5: Most of the relationship has existed (and been held together) based on your meeting the other person's demands with no reciprocity of him/her meeting your needs.

Sign #6: You feel compelled to give space because you fear that if you don't, you'll lose the relationship.

Sign #7: You don't feel known by this person.  You have a relationship but not one where you can truly and authentically be yourself, flaws and all.

If any of the above 7 signs seem familiar to you, don't miss out on the upcoming FREE teleseminar:

5 Reasons You Let People

Violate Your Boundaries

& the Two Things You Need to Do

to Stop Allowing It

Saturday, October 1, 2011

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