Relationship Boundaries: How to Bring Your Best Self Home (Read Time: 4 min.)

I once had a friend say to me, "I give my family the best... and everyone else the rest."  It made me pause because I really had to consider whether that was something I TRULY did.  Did I give my best level of patience, compassion, interest, presence, love, energy, and enthusiasm to my family?  And the answer was sad but true: No...

So I wonder... How many of us put on our game face for work, give our all to clients, go out of our way for perfect strangers but barely lift an emotional muscle at home?  How many of us are the same in front of the camera that we are behind closed doors?  How often do we neglect, delay, or deny the ones who love us most out of a false sense of security that they will stick with us no matter what?

The truth is the truth... whether we like it or not and one of the ways to healthy boundaries at home comes in having healthy boundaries in your family relationships.

At home, you aren't expected to be "on" but you're also not expected to be "off."  There's a delicate balance between letting your guard down and being emotionally unavailable.  At some point, if you want a family filled with joy, you've got to show up and do the work CONSISTENTLY (i.e. DAILY)... and that's no tall order when you might be faking it in other parts of your life and just want to get home and let it all out.

We need to bring our best selves home.  

But how do we do that when we're tired, 

worried, unhappy or stressed?

You do that by creating and keeping 

healthy relationship boundaries.

Here are 3 healthy relationship boundaries you need to set up in order to be ON at home:

Relationship Boundary #1: I don't poop where I live.  In other words, I don't treat the people in my home as if they were emotional garbage cans where I can unload my crap.  If I'm upset, I find some productive way to get the stress out but I do not crap on the people I claim to love. 

Relationship Boundary #2: I treat each of my family members like million dollar clients... whether they deserve it or not.  Yes, it's a hard one.  You might have that ungrateful, bratty sixteen year old or that self-absorbed borderline narcissistic spouse but you did agree to the relationship so let's stay on the positive side of the spectrum by agreeing that while you cannot control how the other person shows up, you are ALWAYS responsible for how you come to the table.

3) I let insignificant stuff go five seconds before a complaint comes out of my mouth.  Yes, he might not have washed the clothes last night.  Yes, she might not have gotten the right takeout for dinner.  But, at the end of the day, is a five cent irritation worth a thousand dollar headache... and months of resentment?  I think not.  So think before you speak and if it's insignificant, LET IT GO...

At the end of the day, your family's experience of you will be molded by how you choose to show up.  Use relationship boundaries to create the kind of family that your children (even as adults) will long to come back to. 

What's Your 'Say No' Style? (Read Time: 3 min.)

When it's time to say 'No', everybody has a style.  It's usually the approach we've used the most, the response we feel most comfortable saying (even if we don't feel most confident saying it) and it represents a gaping hole in creating and keeping healthy boundaries. 

How you say 'No' will determine the way in which the person hearing the 'No' responds to you.  

If you've ever wondered why your friend is able to say 'No' and gets no backtalk or slack after it but whenever you say 'No', there's a discussion, a debate, and an argument for hours afterwards, keep reading...

Below are 4 unhealthy 'Say No' styles that I find people using ALOT: 

1. Straight Shooters:  These folks love to say things like "I give it to them straight" or "I call a spade or a spade" or "I tell it like it is" when what they're really doing is using brutal honesty to deliver a point that could've been better made with clear, concise compassionate communication.

2. Bushwackers: These are the people who beat around the bush and give responses like "We'll see", "Maybe", "Let me think about it" or "Can I get back to you on that?"  When they give these responses, they give no deadline to their follow up or follow through nor do they tell you what they're considering.  Their goal is simple: escape FAST and find a way to say 'No' behind the scenes or say 'Yes' at the last minute out of guilt.  Either way, bushwackers avoid the obvious by delaying the truth.

3. Headhunters for Yes: These are the people who know how to say 'No' but don't want to say it unless they're armed with at least ten other ways you can get to your yes... without their involvement.  They postpone the conversation until they've done enough research, come up with enough alternatives, or have gotten enough volunteers to meet your needs.  It gets them off the hook without anybody feeling rejected.

4. Technological Backtrackers:  These are the folks who don't have the guts to tell you 'No' to your face but will text it, fax it, email it or Twitter/Facebook it without even a second thought.  They cop out on delivery and expect compliance.  It's a lame way to say no and an even more horrific way to end relationships... and Techology Backtrackers do both.

Can you relate to any of the above-mentioned 'Say No' styles?  I definitely can...

When it comes to saying 'No' appropriately, here are some ground rules to consider:

1) Know what you're saying 'No' to, why're you're saying 'No' and how you plan to say 'No'
2) Keep the conversation concise but compassionate.
3) Speak to the person ABOUT the issue; do not make the issue about the person.
4) Say what you have to say and end the conversation.  When your 'No' is a 'No', it does not require feedback.  It simply needs to be said and understood.
5) If you want your 'No' honored, be sure that you equally honor other people's 'No.'

How to Let Go of What You Can't Control (Read Time: 5 min.)

Part of knowing how to create AND keep healthy boundaries comes in knowing the difference between your circle of control and your circle of influence.  I was sitting in a marriage and therapy class one Saturday and my professor pulled out a sharpie and drew two circles on the board.  She explained this critical distinction and it changed my life... and my understanding of how to set boundaries. 

Far too often we believe we have far more control over OTHER people than we actually have.  We think that if we say the right thing, make the right choices, or demand in a harsh, clear way that people will fulfill our needs by doing what we ask... only to realize that people simply don't work that way.  While we do control ALL of our reactions to the circumstances of our lives, rarely is there a season of life where we control ALL of the circumstances.  For the Type A, overachieving, planners of the world, this is a hard truth to accept but a necessary one if you're going to learn how to create AND keep healthy boundaries.

Your boundaries will be built or broken by your ability to distinguish between situations you can control (i.e. those things in your circle of control) and situations you can influence (i.e. those things in your circle of influence).  Truth be told, there's very little in life that's in your complete circle of control.  That's why, in the diagram, the circle of control is the smaller, inner circle.  It's small in diameter because outside of deciding when you brush your teeth, what you eat for breakfast, and the route you take to work, not much is 100% in your control (and even your route to work could change depending on traffic). 

More than likely, most of the life experiences you have will be held in your circle of influence.  That's why it's the bigger circle... and the more powerful from which to operate in.  Influence is more powerful than control because influence leads to impact.  When you influence a situation, you give it the room to flow as you assist the orchestration of that flow.  You aren't worried about outcomes going a certain way because you influence knowing that you have the capacity to handle whatever comes.  Influence is about serving as a thinking partner to the situation, the person, and the circumstances.  You are not there to dictate but you are there to discuss and deliberate.  From influence comes most of the world's greatest decisions. 

But influence requires solid boundaries.  Most people assume control has clear lines.  You know what you can do and you know what you can't do.  For most people, influence exists in the gray area and people don't know what to do with it.  When you have good boundaries, you don't worry about where your influence begins and ends.  Why?  Because you know where you start and the other person ends.  You know what your role is and you let others be responsible for theirs.  Healthy boundaries are required if you're going to stay in your circle of influence.

And here's the important part: Attempting to act in situations that are in your circle of influence with the rules of your circle of control is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because it'll lead to disappointment, frustration, and anger.  Anytime you're feeling frustrated in a situation, you're probably acting from your circle of control while being in a circle of influence situation.

And here's how you let the need for control go:

1) Recognize control for the illusion it is.  Planning's nice.  Being the driver of your life is key but, at the end of the day, anything could come along and totally change the game.  Be strong enough to steer the course and flexible enough to veer the wheel when life takes a turn.

2) Focus on developing influence, not on maintaining control.  The more you grip control, the more of it you lose.  Focus on building meaning, significance and care into how you handle ALL parts of your life and your level of influence will grow. 

3) Change your approach to handling unexpected circumstances.  Instead of viewing them as problems, look for possibilities.  You'll have to be deliberate about this because, in the moment, you won't feel like there are possibilities.  You'll feel like complaining about the problems.  Be conscious about which one you're choosing.  What you send out will come back to you.

4) Create boundaries that honor influence and disown control.  At the end of the day, healthy boundaries are not about exerting control over other people.  They're about giving space and life to what you need at the same time that you honor the same in others.  Boundaries are not fortresses.  They're permeable parameters that honor you AND the other person. 

Financial Boundaries & The Power of Pleasure: How to Have Both (Read Time: 3 min.)

Latte... or no latte?  That is the question.

I remember watching a guest on Oprah speak at length about the "latte factor" and, at the time, it made a lot of sense.  If you spend $5.00 a day at Starbucks, you spend $35.00 a week and $140.00 a month and over $1,400.00 a year.  And that's money you could save... I get it.  Yup, that's money you could save.

What this guest didn't say was this: For some people, that latte is more than a latte.  It's a gift, a treasure, a moment of pleasure, a half an hour ritual that inspires creativity, ushers in business, and transforms the day.  For that person, a latte isn't just a latte: it's a necessity.

So how do you have both (the savings and the latte)?  

Believe you can...

What is your financial dream?  

If you could change one thing about your finances, 

what would you change?  

Oftentimes, people get so focused on their debt (how much they have, how long it'll take to pay it off) that they lose sight of what they're actually doing: creating MORE debt.

Remember: 

What you focus on grows.

Once you know your debt number (i.e. you know your total amount of debt and you have a spreadsheet or some app that keeps track of who you owe and the arrangements you'll make or have made), then your focus needs to be totally and completely upon building the level of income that is required to create your financial dream.

I love the truth of what Dave Ramsey says to so many of his radio show listeners:

"You don't have a debt problem.  

You have an income problem."

Would you like to have both the latte and the savings?  

Work on increasing your income.  

And here's where boundaries come in.  In order to increase your income, you have to create boundaries around your time, energy and talents so you have enough of each to work your full time day job and create multiple streams of income.  It's not going to happen consistently without solid boundaries in place.

Here are 4 healthy boundaries you MUST put in place if an increase income is what you want:

1) Decide the most value-added tasks to increase your income and do them FIRST in your day.  In other words, outside of your day job, when it's time to sit down and work on creating more.
 income, do not do the "easy" things first.  Tackle the large, value-added, tasks that ONLY you can do.
2) Delegate household chores to other people.  That means cooking, cleaning, lawn care, and any other $5.00/hour task that will not make you $200.00/hour.

3) Get adequate sleep.  There are so many people who argue for burning the  midnight oil and doing whatever it takes.  Whatever it takes leads to exhaustion, overwhelm, and getting a cold or flu that then puts you out of commission for 2 weeks (and doesn't make you any additional money).  Know your sleep limits and make sure (for the most part) you get the right amounts.

4) Clear the space you work in and make it money friendly.  This is the #1 thing.  If your office space or whatever space you create that additional income in is cluttered, dirty, or set up in a way that doesn't feel abundant, money will be hard to come by.  Even if it takes you a weekend to clear space, sage, and do some feng shui, DO IT!  Major corporations bring in feng shui experts to set up their space.  If they do it and spend lots of money doing so, understand the reasoning: clear, open, free space filled with positive energy ushers in abundance... period.

Debt is not the issue.  Lattes are not the problem.  If the financial reality you have is not the one you want, it's time to get more resourceful with both your talents and your boundaries.  Begin today!

Debt, Boundaries & The Desire for Freedom (Read Time: 4 min.)

How much debt do you have?  

Do you know the exact total? 

Do you know what your debt consists of?

Debt is bondage and bondage keeps us from creating healthy boundaries.  When you feel like an indentured servant to past due bills, the constraint of that energy seeps into everything you think about doing.  All of a sudden, you find yourself wanting to say no to working an extra ten hours a week at work but having to say yes because you "need" the money.  You find yourself living with people you don't even want to socialize with because you need a rent free roof over your head and they were the only ones who said yes.  You find yourself not going anywhere for vacation and having to tell your kids for the thousandth time that you can't afford to get them piano lessons or toys or send them to summer camp.  You find yourself compromising your integrity, giving up your freedom to choose, and silencing your power to say "no" because you are now at the beck and call of people who are giving you "free" help that's not really free because there are strings attached.

It isn't a pretty picture, is it?  

Your debt is real and it may feel real but your sense that you no longer have the right to create and keep healthy boundaries because you're in debt IS NOT real.  In fact, the only way to get out of debt is to get very good at learning what to say yes to and what to say no to.  Without the ability to create powerfully healthy boundaries, you will lack the resolve necessary to get out of debt.

When you crave the freedom that comes with owing no man anything but you're in the kind of debt that will take you at least the next two or more years to repay, how do you set healthy boundaries... AND keep them?  

Here's how:

1)  Speak truthfully, concisely and clearly to bill collectors one good time and provide a follow-up date and time when you will call them back.  There's a breed of bill collector who believes that calling you constantly and harassing you with threats is the way to  make you shake money from a tree.  Not only is it rude and invasive but it's a humiliating experience to have when at work or at home with the family.  Nip it in the bud by answering your phone ONE GOOD TIME and explaining to this person the following: 1) Your current financial situation, 2) Your intention to pay, 3) The date you will call them back to revisit the issue and create payment plans, and 4) The latest date by which you will start making payments.  If that's not good enough for that collector, then hang up the phone and find out who you can report their harassment to.  Bottom line: Do not worry about what comes next.  If you don't have the money to pay, you're worrying about it will not make the money appear any faster.  In fact, it will block money's flow to you.

2) Don't get into more debt.  When you're drowning, don't ask to have more water put on you.  If you can barely pay your bills now, make sure you have a reliable vehicle, a decent roof over your head, the utilities paid, a cell phone that gets good reception, and food to eat.  Anything beyond that is a luxury when money's tight.  In other words, once you have the basics, don't fall into the trap of buying luxuries that you mentally justify as necessities or that you purchase as a way to soothe your feeling of bondage.  If it doesn't feed you, clothe you, or house you (or provide the means by which you do those three), it's not a necessity.

3) Decide the month and year you plan to be debt free and remind yourself of that date EVERY SINGLE DAY until it happens.  Far too often, we create goals and then toss them to the side.  If you want to fulfill a goal, you have to focus on it.  Write down your debt free goal and ask yourself (every day): How can I make this happen?

4) Make ALL decisions from the place of one who has UNLIMITED resources and can operate from his/her highest level of integrity.  You don't have to wait for the money to be in the bank to say "No" to things that would compromise your integrity.  Behave as you would in a debt free space.  You need the self-discipline training NOW so you don't compromise your integrity later.  You also need to be able to teach people how to treat you, no matter what your financial situation or status is.  You will be used in life to the extent that you display feelings of unworthiness.  If you think you have to beg or work to death to have what you want, you will continue on that journey when money is flowing and debt is gone.  Stop the bad habits now.

All in all, here's the deal:

You teach people how to treat you.  

Money (or lack of money) doesn't make you more or less worthy than anyone else.  Once you get that, you can move away from feeling guilt, blame or shame for your current financial situation and onto the business of making the solid financial decisions and creating the firm, healthy financial boundaries that will reshape your entire life.  It begins and ends with you.  Choose wisely...

Where is Your Money Going? The Boundary of Financial Design (Read Time: 3 min.)

Where is your money going?  

Not generally (like most people refer to) but SPECIFICALLY.  Where did your last $50.00 bucks go?  Mine went to KMart (light bulbs, deoderant, chapstick), Pretzyl Time (a pretzyl for my 15 year old and a small lemonade as we had mother/son time) and Chevron gas station ($25.00 in the gas tank plus a car wash).

Can you be that specific about where your money is going?

Most people spend their lives throwing money at things that lack vision, purpose, or destiny.  They buy out of a need to feel secure and they purchase things from which they can never get true security.

Does that sound like you?

Isn't it time you decided that your destiny and your financial decisions go hand in hand?
Isn't it time you put paper to pencil and got VERY serious about where you spend your cash?
Isn't it time you put your money where your mouth is and made financial decisions based on destiny and not desire?

And here's where the boundary conversation comes in:  

What financial boundaries are you willing to create 

so you can have the life you say you want? 

AND

How long are you willing to hold to those boundaries?

I decided last week that I would only go to Wal-Mart once every 3 weeks.  You see, WalMart is a weakness for me (and most of America).  You go to WalMart for toothpaste and you come out spending $200.00.  Now, that's making Sam Walton's heirs rich but it's not doing much for my destiny.  So I've decided that Sam Walton only sees my money once every three weeks.

What if I need chicken breast?  

I've created the boundary that I don't go to WalMart which means 

I now go to a grocery store that only sells groceries.

What if it's more expensive than WalMart?  

Well, I save money on things I would've bought at WalMart because 

those things aren't sold for cheap at the grocery store.

What if there's something I need to buy at WalMart that I can only get at WalMart?  

If there's something that I need to buy that I can't purchase at a grocery store, pharmacy, 

gas station, or other retailer, then I did something wrong in my once every three weeks 

grocery list and, at the end of the day, it CAN WAIT.

Here's the bottom line:  

Your financial decisions are designing your life.  

Be sure that where you spend your money 

is where you really want to spend your life.  

There's a deep correlation between the two.  

Financial Insecurity & Relationship Boundaries: The Connection (Read Time: 4 min.)

Do you feel insecure about money (making it, saving it, keeping it)?

Where, in your life, do you feel that resources are scarce?  

What do you attribute to your lack of financial stability?

Whenever financial insecurity is a recurring theme in your life, there tends to be a few things at the heart of it:
1) You don't trust that you'll be able to handle whatever comes.
2) You fear that life will not provide the opportunities and resources necessary for your survival (let alone your thriving).
3) You secretly blame others for your lack of financial security and you feel justified in expecting them to step up to the plate so you can have what you need.

Now... how does that relate to healthy boundaries?

Here's the issue: If what you identify as the source of your well-being (the cause of your financial security or insecurity) is any living person outside of yourself, you are putting all of your safety, security, and peace in the hands of someone who is bound to fail you. 

Why are they bound to fail?

Because the only Source you have is God and anyone else you give that responsibility to lacks the capacity to fill the role.  What winds up happening, then, is that you have all of these expectations for a person who was never built to fill them.  What ends up happening from there looks like something out of a soap opera script.  You demand more.  You expect more.  You argue over unfulfilled obligations and all because you created relationship boundaries that hinged upon demands and expectations the other person was never designed to fulfill.  Before you know it, disappointment leads to anger, frustration, guilt, and resentment... and then you wonder why your relationship is on the rocks.

You've set the wrong relationship boundaries 

out of a fear of financial instability.

Let's get very clear on this:

1) No one HAS to financially provide for you but you.  The sooner you get on board with this, the more powerfully you will design your financial life using healthy boundaries.
2) No one CAN financially provide  for you in a way you aren't ready and willing to receive.  Reciprocity is as important to financial security as making an investment is to receiving a return.  In life, people don't get what they want; they get what they believe they deserve.
3) Money flows to the people who don't make money their god.  When money rules your life and it's the only thing you think about or worry about, it becomes the thing you worship.  Worshiping something that has no value is a waste of energy and time.  Put money in its rightful place: it is a means to an end.  When you can see money as one energetic vehicle through which you travel in life, you will also understand that making it and keeping it aren't about what other people will and won't do for you.  It's about what you will and won't do for yourself.
4) Making financial prosperity a condition of love turns a relationship into a transaction.  If what you wanted was a business deal, there was no need to get married.  Simply get a contract, a business partner, and a good lawyer and you can hammer out the details later.  Romantic partnership is not about tit-for-tat financial contribution.  The vows say "for richer, for poorer" but most people would rather it be "For richer and for richer."  Love doesn't work that way when it's real.
5) There's a difference between fiscal responsibility and financial scapegoating.  You want a relationship where there's equitable financial responsibility, not one where people are blaming each other for what money can't buy, they can't earn, or for the things they find themselves having to live without.

So these points are all pretty clear... and you've heard them before.

What's the bottom line?

The bottom line is this:

It's not enough to hear it or read it.

You need to start living it.

1. Stop expecting that it is your spouse's job to provide for your every financial need.
2. Stop acting like your parents (by giving birth to you) owe you every extra penny they have... and you're 27, 37, or 47 years old.
3. Stop blaming the economy for your financial woes.  Own your role in racking up debt, making foolish purchases, and not investing or saving wisely.
4. Stop looking for an easy way out.  Money may be about flow but wealth isn't built in a day.  You want it?  Develop a specific numbers goal and then be prepared to work at it for YEARS...

And, of all the things I can say that will help you manage both your financials and the boundaries of your relationships, it's this:

Stop thinking the Source of your provision is anyone other than God.
You are creating a faith block and a life hold when you deny God's role in giving you EVERYTHING you have.

Make no mistake: 

Your employer did not pay your mortgage last month.  God did...