Why Money Fears Cause Bendable Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

How is your relationship to money?  

Do you love cash or do you wish you lived in a world where money didn't matter?

How easily do you believe money comes to you?  

Is money the thing that you hate to need or is it a means by which you enjoy your life?

Your answers to those questions will say a lot about the boundaries you've created around your finances.  When money (having it, not having it, making it, or spending it) is a constant source of worry and fear, you'll find that your overwhelming approach to financial management will be creating emotional walls around money issues.

Instead of creating a budget, you'll refuse to open up bills until payday, pay what you can and continue not opening up letters that come in the mail.  Instead of having an honest financial conversation with your spouse, you'll secretly overspend or subtly micromanage household spending.  Instead of going to your boss and asking for a promotion or a raise, you'll grumble and gripe about how you're so undervalued at work.

Do you see how fearing money can 

cause you to create unhealthy boundaries?

The good thing about knowing what is comes in understanding that awareness precedes action.  Once you get that you have money fears that are running your boundaries, there are a number of steps you can take to recreate healthy money boundaries:

1) Choose to see money as a means to an end and not an end in and of itself.  Whenever you find yourself with less money than you'd like, ask yourself "Who am I choosing to be today?  How would I act today if I had millions of dollars in the bank?"  Learning how to consistently be who you are (no matter what the circumstance) is key to having peace and happiness in your life.  Your joy is not based on your bank statement; it's based on how you choose to show up in your life.

2) Track your spending for a month so you know where your money is going.  After the month is over, see where you've been investing your funds.  Ask yourself, "Is this where I want to invest my money?"  Be intentional about where you are choosing to invest your money from this moment on and create boundaries that honor those choices.  Even if you don't make more money, you'll start to feel more powerful when it comes to the money you do have... and that sense of power will lead you to means and methods of earning more money.

3) Set a one year money goal and do AT LEAST one thing every day towards its achievement.  People say "I want more money" ALL the time.  But how much money is that?  More money could be a penny extra.  Is that enough for you?  Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires that you know where to draw the line.  It also requires that the line is so clearly drawn that other people know where it is too.  In terms of money, it's time you decided how much would be enough for you.  Back that up with at least one daily action and measure your results in 3, 6, 9 and 12 month increments.  And here's the thing: once you set the goal, DO NOT GIVE UP until you reach it.  It doesn't matter if it takes you longer than the 12 months.  Where focus goes, energy flows.  Identify your money goal, focus on it by taking daily action, measure your results and decide in advance that you will be there until...

Budgeting and Boundaries: Can You Draw a Line in the Sand? (Read Time 3 min.)

How do you feel about budgeting?  

If you're talking to a banker or an accountant, you'll probably get a thumbs up.  If you're talking to someone who's afraid of money, doesn't know how to manage money, or seems to always be without money, you'll probably get a wince, a head down or a deer-in-headlights stare.  The reality is this:

Either you are managing your money 

or your money is managing you.  

So we have to talk about budgeting and financial boundaries because the two are intricately connected.

A budget is a way of using financial boundaries to design your sense of security, safety, and wealth throughout life.  It's the vehicle through which you decide how comfortable you live, what you buy, where you shop, and to what extent you feel provided for.  The best part of a budget is the fact that you get to create it. 

What keeps most people from using budgets is the fear that comes with facing the current, present moment reality of your financial life today.  It's one thing to know that you don't make enough money.  It's quite another to see just how much less you make than what you need in dollars and cents.  People fear knowing the truth because they get caught up in the temporary circumstance of their financial situation.  Remember: Like Facebook, your financial status is going to change but you have to be the one to change it.  There is no Instafinance app in your life that's going to upgrade your salary or benefits or wealth level on its own.  You've got to do that.

So how do you do it?

Use financial boundaries to help you re-frame how you see budgeting so you actually budget AND stick to it.  

I'm not going to use this space to tell you how to budget.  I'll leave all the forms and the instructions to the pros like Dave Ramsey.  What I do want to give you is a series of steps you can use to deprogram that negative, icky feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes every time you even think about getting real with your finances.

Okay... so here are three financial boundaries you can set that will help you discipline yourself to budget:

1) At all times, I know my numbers.  At all times, decide that you know what's in the bank, what's in your gross paycheck, how it's being spent, and how you'll spend it.  Say to yourself: I have to know what's missing so I can create ways to meet that need.  See a budget as a way of getting to the bottom of what you have, what you need, and how you can meet those needs in the next 6-12 months.  Look at your budget like it's  a piece to the puzzle of your financial goals.  You need that piece to finish that puzzle.  When you start to see a budget as an ally (rather than enemy), you make peace and get on the same page with it.
2) Pleasure is a part of EVERY budget.  This is a well kept secret to budgeting that lots of people don't talk about.  One of the reasons people hate budgeting is because it offers no immediate incentive.  When you're making less than you owe, you tend to go into a feast or famine frame of mind: either you starve your life in your budget to pay bills or you spend overboard to compensate for all the previous budgets where you starved yourself of any sort of life enjoyment or satisfaction.  I love Dave Ramsey but I'm not down with totally living on beans and rice for 3 or more years.  At the end of the day, you have to find ways to enjoy your life NOW.  When you include a SMALL portion of your budget and label it as "Pleasure", you wind up feeling abundant, cared for and you're better able to deal with the tightness and allocation of the rest of it.  Bottom line: You have to enjoy each pay check at least a little bit.

3) I keep my big 3 financial goals in front of me at every single budgeting session and brainstorm ways to get to those goals faster through each individual budget.  It's said that people perish for a lack of vision.  It's not enough to pay the bills this month.  There's nothing about "just getting by" that's going to keep you motivated to continue budgeting for the long haul.  I get that people say it's powerful to know where your money is going and telling your money what to do through a budget but you know what?  Having to send your money to bills ALL THE TIME sucks and there's nothing powerful in that.  Instead of looking at your budget as a way to pay bills and live broke, write out your 3 big financial goals/dreams on a sheet of paper before you begin the budgeting process.  As you decide what each line item's going to be, ask yourself: "How can I use this to get to one of these financial goals faster?"  It's about getting to the WHY of budgeting rather than staying stuck in the what.  You attach a WHY to living on beans and rice and you'll get into it, stay consistent with it and get through it much faster.

What's my point in all of this?

Use financial boundaries as a way to help you develop the self-discipline to start budgeting and stay budgeting.  Speaking of which, tonight's a budgeting night for me and I'm going to use all three tips to get my financial party started:)

How Do Your Financial Goals Affect Your Financial Boundaries? (Read Time: 3 min.)

When it comes to your finances, what are your goals?  

What would you like to see happen in 1, 2, 3, and 5 years with your money?

Lots of people read those two questions and stop right there... At this point, things are so tough financially that they can barely imagine what it's going to look like in a year let alone five (and many of them don't really want to know).  Right there, this kind of doom-and-gloom, "I make just enough to get by" mentality is setting up unhealthy financial boundaries like:

• I never have enough money so why budget? (unhealthy boundary: not budgeting)
• I'm so in the hole, I'll never get ahead so I stay in debt because that's the only way I can cope with my life (unhealthy boundary: overspending on things that don't really matter)
• This is the best I can do so I might as well stay in this job and keep making this level of money (unhealthy boundary: accepting pay as unchanging & taking no action to progress financially)

I could go on and on but you get my drift.  Without a vision, people perish.  In the same way, without a financial vision, without telling your money what to do (as Dave Ramsey puts it), you're under the control of finances and not IN control of them.  

Right now, it may seem impossible to set financial goals.  Money might be tight.  Your job might be tenuous.  You may be unemployed.  Your business might be brand new and you have no idea what to expect.  No matter what the circumstance, NOW is the time to set financial goals for the next 12 months.

Why?  

To get where you want to go, you have to know where it is you're going.  Begin today. 

Develop 3 financial goals for the next twelve months.  Here are four coaching questions that will help you do that:

1) In the next twelve months, how much money would you like to have saved in the bank?

2) In the next twelve months, how much debt would you like to have paid off?

3) In the next twelve months, what major purchases would you like to make?

4) How much would you like to see your income increase by in the next twelve months?

Answer those questions and you've got a financial vision.

Goals = a tangible dream.  Go after it!

What Do Your Financial Boundaries Look Like? (Read Time: 3 min.)

When it comes to money, how are your boundaries? 
When people think of healthy boundaries, a lot of the boundaries they think about are emotional or physical in nature: relationships, privacy, physical space, job roles, family roles, and the list goes on.  All of these have a very personal feel to them.  But nothing is as personal and as touchy a subject to others as money. 

So today we're going to do a little financial boundary inspection.  Below I'm going to ask you 10 questions about your financial boundaries.  In a notebook, jot your answers down and, one by one, I'll address the DOs and DONTs of each question in a daily post.

Here they are: 

1) What are your financial goals?  How specific are they?
2) What's your method for budgeting?  How well is it working for your financial goals?
3) What scares you most about money?
4) Where do you feel financial insecurity and how are you handling it?
5) What is most of your money being spent on?  Is it the thing that will get you where you want to be long term?
6) How much debt do you have?  How does it make you feel?
7) If you could change one thing about your finances, what would you change?
8) If you are in a relationship, how often do you communicate about money?  How productive are those conversations?
9) When you look at your financial reality today, where is this present bringing you five years from now?  Is that where you want to be?
10) What financial boundaries do you need to set so that you arrive at a financially wealthier and healthier place in the next year?

Ask For What You Want (Read Time: 2 min.)

I meet so many people who are afraid to ask for what they want (what they REALLY want).  Whether it's fear of rejection or fear of disapproval, they allow some sort of fear to keep them from requesting what is their right to request. 



When I coach, I hear clients subtly ask for permission to do a lot of things like:

• get rest
• take time off
• own their feelings
• speak their truth
• live their lives
• change jobs
• admit they hate something someone else is doing

And the list goes on...

But here's the deal: 

Not owning your power to choose 

means you're giving that power away.

Any power you won't reveal, other people will have no problem trying to steal.  When we don't use our power, we end up giving it away.

How have you given away your power to others?  

Sometimes we give away power by not speaking up.  At other times, we give away power by revealing too much.  The key to speaking the truth and asking to have your needs met is one thing:

TRUST YOURSELF...

Your inner knowing is keenly aware of what boundary conversations you need to have and when, what truths you need to speak and why, what requests you need to make and how to meet those needs COMPLETELY.  But if you don't trust that, you doubt it... and your doubt brings you to a place of fear.

Take a powerful step: 

Start asking for what you want without fear of reprisal.  

Start speaking your truth to others and stop worrying about whether they like it.

Begin to create a life where you speak what's real for you because that's the only way you know how to live.

Let go of the misconception that being "nice" is worth more than being real.  

How many "nice" people do you remember?  

At the end of the day, follow the words of Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements: 

"Ask for what you want.  Everyone has the right to tell you yes or no but you always have the right to ask."

Yes... you do.   

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please (Read Time: 3 min.)

Yesterday, I talked about why being a "good girl/good guy" is a bad thing.  I gave you all the reasons why taking on that role does not serve you.  In today's post, I want to give you 5 practical, strategic, all-up-to-you ways to cure the disease to please.

Here's the truth:

People-pleasing is a habit you can't afford to have 

if your goal is to create a life you love to look at.

You simply don't have enough years in this lifetime to waste it people pleasing.  When that truly resonates with you, something in you starts to say, "Ok, so what do I have to do to get over this people-pleasing thing?"  I'm glad you asked...

In my people-pleasing days, I found myself doing a lot of things I really didn't want to do.  I ate at restaurants because other people liked those restaurants.  I did favors even when I didn't have the time to do it.  I sacrificed my own needs so I could meet the needs of others. 

I did lots of ridiculous, boundary bending things that, 

at the end of the day, didn't make people like me more; 

it gave them permission to respect me less.  

When I finally woke up to the people-pleasing tendencies that I had, I made some clear, sudden shifts.  Here are five that I found extremely helpful (Note: I did the whole emotional explosion thing and made ALOT of sudden changes so I won't put all of those here because, let's get down to it, a lot of the other ones (done in haste and anger) simply didn't work). 

But here are five strategies that did:

1) Define your 3 life non-negotiables.  What are the three things that need to happen in your life on a regular basis (daily/weekly/monthly) that put you at your best so you can fully give to others?  What are those three things that NEED to happen regardless of what else does or doesn't get done?  Write them down.  Schedule them into your life.  Make them NON-NEGOTIABLES, meaning if those don't get done, ain't nothin' else gettin' done.  You feel me?  NON-NEGOTIABLE...

2)  Let go of ANY non-reciprocal or one-sided relationships.  If someone only calls you when they need something, you don't have a relationship; you have a contract and guess what?  You aren't getting paid for your work.  If you have a relationship with ANYONE (that includes family) where you aren't being heard, seen, or treated with respect, why stay in it?  Have ONE GOOD boundary conversation with the person in question and let them know how you feel about the current state of the relationship.  See if there's room to shift things.  However, if that person continues to show you who they are (and who that is represents USER), it's time to let that person go. Truth be told, that person was never really in the relationship anyway.

3) Find people who support your growth, who get your vision, and who know how to create and keep healthy boundaries and make those people your inner circle.  Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires support.  You need healthy boundary mentors who've been where you've been and who have mastered the art of creating and keeping healthy boundaries.  You also need people around you who really see you, who know what you're worth and who'll remind you, when you have a people-pleasing setback, to stop playing small in the world.

4) Say "No" to anything that doesn't feel right.  This is a hard one.  When you've people pleased for a long time, "Yes" becomes the automatic answer.  When you start to rewire that mental programming, you actually have to stop answering requests for your time in the moment they come.  Begin to respond to ANY request with things like "I need 24 hours to think about that.  I'll let you know" or openly say "No, I'm scheduled to do something else at that time."  Bottom line: pull back your "Yes" and say "No" more and with more certainty.  Remember: HOW you say "No" is oftentimes more important than the fact that you did.  If someone hears your "No" as a "Yes", you've lost the battle.

5) Before going in the people pleasing direction, ask yourself, "How relevant is this person's approval to my life five years from now and how much of my self esteem am I willing to give up to make this person like me?"  Long question, yes but very effective.  And here's why.  When we people please, we tend to lie to ourselves about why we did.  We tend to say things like "I just wanted to help" or "I know if I were in that situation, I'd want someone to help me."  Cut to the chase with yourself and tell the truth.  You people please because you want to be liked and you feel a need to be liked because you're afraid that people won't love you, need you or want to be around you if you didn't try so hard.  When you ask the above question, you get down to the root of it: Will this person's approval matter to me in 5 years?  Am I willing to pay the HIGH price of my self esteem in order to get their temporary approval (until they need the next thing from me)?  Chances are, your answer will be HELL NO.

Bottom line of this post:

You can stop people-pleasing in ANY moment you choose.

Implement these five steps and let me know how it goes...

Why Playing the "Good Girl" is a Bad Thing (Read Time: 4 min.)

How often have you found yourself playing the role of the "good girl/good guy"?  

You know the one... The reliable, responsible, trusting, caring, nurturing, say "Yes" to everything person who's always there and ready to help...

Playing the role is a double-edged sword.  There's a difference between giving because you choose to and saying "Yes" because you have to.  The "good girl" persona is one that requires too much time, too much energy and results in very little value... for you and the other person.

Here are 5 reasons that playing the "good girl" is a bad thing: 
1) Pretending to be someone you're not indicates insecurity... and emotional vampires can smell insecurity a million miles away.  Why do you think people use "good girls" so much?  Whenever you create a super-good persona, you implicate yourself in the belief that who you REALLY are simply isn't good enough... and crazymakers eat that kind of insecurity for breakfast.

2) "Good girls" really do finish last.  When you play the "good" role, you can't put on the hat five hours out of the day.  We teach people how to treat us so the more you play "good", the longer people expect you to play the role.  Before you know it, you're in a marriage, raising a family, and working at a job where people demand all of your time without one concern about meeting any of your needs.  It's a vicious cycle where you take on the role of serving and people stop seeing you as anything other than a servant.  Don't do it!

3) Eventually, you will get tired of being someone you're not and then watch out!  The volcano erupts, you have some explosive conversations, and now you've lost your cool, family and friends, and you're not quite sure who you are anymore.  Whatever you suppress has to come out... AT SOME POINT.  When you cover up who you really are, you set the stage for an eventual emotional showdown.  First you have a showdown; then you meltdown... and then you have to do the work of picking up all the pieces.  All in all, it's way too much work pretending to be someone that you're not only to explode into someone you never wanted to be only to come back to picking up the pieces of who you really were to begin with.  The Incredible Hulk is overrated but when good girls go wild, that's exactly who comes out.

4) Perfect sucks.  Here's the thing: nobody's perfect and striving for it is a total and complete waste of time.  Some people spend their whole lives trying to live up to other people's fantasies about who they "should" be.  It's called a fantasy for a reason.  Don't get sucked into the trap of having to be MORE so other people will like you.  Those who don't like or love you as you are never will like or love you as you will be.  Once you get to their definition of perfect, they'll create a new one... and there you'll be, on the hamster wheel, trying to keep up.  Remember: the only perfection is imperfection and we're perfectly capable of doing that by being ourselves.

5) When you shine a light on the "pretend" version of you, you dim the brilliance of who you really are.  Nobody wants the fake version of a brilliant, real thing and, yet, somehow, we think that being NOT ourselves is exactly what people are looking for.  If you're in a relationship with someone who can't handle how brave, brilliant, and daring you are, rethink the relationship, not YOU... The test of any boundary is not whether or not the other person will honor it but to what extent you will uphold it... Play the "good girl/good guy" won't get you more respect or love; it will get you more conditions upon which respect and love are divvied out.  That's not the kind of relationship you want.

So how do get over the whole "good girl/good guy" syndrome?

Check out tomorrow's blog post where I talk about  

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please!  

I'll break it down then...