Dictionary.com defines it as "a person or group made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place." It further points to the origin of the term because, in biblical times, a goat was let loose in the wilderness on Yom Kippur after the high priest symbolically laid the sins of the people on its head.
So when you allow other people to put them blame, shame and guilt on you (essentially to treat you like an emotional garbage can that they can drop their stuff in as they please), guess what happens?
You take on wounds, sins, and pain that do not belong to you or that you have the capacity to heal.
Where am I going with this?
One of the biggest boundaries you will ever set with others comes when you take a stand about what you will and will not allow into your energy field. One of the things you need to decide to NOT allow in is other people's blame, shame and guilt. You might be a Capricorn but you are certainly not a scapegoat. The moment you allow other people to explain away their bad behavior or the bad behavior of others because of you, you have not only lost your power but you have given it away to your accusers.
That kinda sucks...
You are not a back door exit to a front door problem.
Let me clarify...
You have an older sister who, since the beginning of time, has been jealous of you for some twenty+ year old reason. Maybe you got all the guys in high school and she was a nerd. Maybe you were mom's favorite and she felt abandoned by mom. Maybe you got everything you wanted because you were the baby and she never got those privileges. The reasons are irrelevant. The point is that your sister has been carrying around blame, shame and guilt for years and what she's now trying to do is place all of that emotional garbage inside of you. If you buy into her drama and feel sorry for her and allow her to treat you like an emotional garbage can out of some strange sense of guilt or sympathy, what you're really doing is allowing her to use you as a back door exit for a front door problem that is 100% hers. It will not create a solution nor will it erase a problem. In fact, her misery will become yours because you didn't create and keep an adequate boundary with your sibling.
Here's the boundary:
I am not your scapegoat. Your issue is yours and my issues are mine. You are responsible for your happiness and it is not my job to take your crap as my own.
Now you can find all sorts of nice, sugar-coated ways to say what I just said but the boundaries are created with a clear, concise, conscious boundary conversation BUT they are held by boundary fortifying actions that back up your words whenever this person tries to use you as a scapegoat (and they will).
Here are some actions that back up this boundary:
- You do not allow discussions about what she feels you did or said that hurt her. You know where the conversation will go. Agree to disagree and do not engage in circular arguments.
- Refrain from doing over the top "kind" gestures to make her feel better about her life. Nothing you do or say will make her feel good about being who she is unless she chooses to. Do not waste your time.
- Keep conversations on the light side. People who scapegoat like to slip in "dark side" conversations without you even knowing it. Any reference to the past, who you were growing up, and how much better things were for you than her are off limits. The moment a conversation like this starts, simply say "That was then. This is now. What good thing is happening in your life right now? Nothing? Well let me tell you about how wonderful things are going for me." That kind of conversation will either make her shut up or send her away or cause you to decide to leave the negative energy that she's committed to having.
