How have I demonstrated and given what I'm asking for in this relationship? (Read Time: 3 min.)

How have I demonstrated and given what I'm asking for in this relationship?

Question #2 is HUGE, BIG and it's the one question few people like to answer first.  When you're in the middle of blaming the other person for everything that's wrong with the relationship, the last thing you want to do is stop and ask "What role am I playing in all of this melodrama?"  but here's the deal: it takes two to tango.  

We attract who we are at the moment.

There's no disputing that.  You can believe whatever you want but ignoring the facts doesn't change the facts.  In life, we get what we give EVERY time and no where is that more true than in relationships.  Before you can have the enchanted love you want, you've got to be the giver of enchanted love.

So let's take a dive into ourselves and find out what we want as compared to what we're giving.

Pull out a sheet of paper and write down your answers to these four questions: 

 

1. What are the top five qualities you NEED in a partner?

2. When was the last time you exhibited these qualities on a CONSISTENT basis?

3. When you think of an enchanted love, what three experiences would that love involve?

4. When was the last time you initiated any experiences similar to that in your current relationship?

See, here's the truth: you have not because you give not.  And maybe you aren't giving because you feel underappreciated.  Maybe you're withholding love because you're so stressed out about life that you simply aren't focusing on what seems like a "small" thing.  Maybe you aren't feeling so enchanted because you packed on twenty pounds or you lost your job or the last time you gave your heart it got stomped on.  I don't know the reasons why you're choosing to show up as less than what you say you want but I do know one thing: to have what you want, you must first BE it.

Take three steps today to exhibit the level of love, enchantment and passion that you say you want in your relationship.  Don't worry about whether this person is the right person for you.  Once you start giving what you are open to receiving, the truth of this relationship will become very clear and either this person will step up, step aside or you will step down.  You don't have to fight or make that happen.  When you fully show up for relationships, what's meant to be naturally occurs.

Let's talk tomorrow about Question #3!

Kassandra  

What am I not Giving to This Relationship? (Read Time: 2 min.)

Yesterday, we talked about calling a relationship quits.  I gave you three questions to consider before you take the final step and have that boundary conversation.

Did you think about those questions?

OR did you immediately get defensive and say to yourself, "The problems of this relationship are not about me!  It's the other person that needs fixing!"

Defensiveness is good for one thing: attack.  Since the goal of most relationships is to embrace (and not attack), defensiveness has no place when setting this boundary.  The first question I posed to you yesterday was this:

What am I not giving to this relationship?  

It's a deep question on so many levels.  On the one hand, when you've hit your breaking point in a relationship, you feel as if you've gone the distance... and still it's not working.  On the other hand, somewhere, deep down you know that we only attract who we are.  If the person in your life is not acting appropriately, there's a level to which you need to ask yourself, "What am I not bringing to the table?"  Only when you can fully say "I've done and given my best" will you be 100% able to end the relationship, establish a new boundary and move on.  So long as you wonder whether you could've done more, you will forever live in the regret of what might have been.

When you ask yourself the question, "What am I not giving to this relationship?", you are focused on a number of different areas: 

• how much time and attention you've given to the relationship
• how open you've kept the lines of communication, esp. about what's bothering you
• how often you've given the other person compliments, appreciated what you do value about him/her and made this person feel like a welcome addition to your life (rather than a burden or an unnecessary tag-along in your life)
• to what extent you've become more critical and judgmental of the other person as compared to when the relationship first began
• to what extent you've deceived and/or lied to the other person about who you are, how you really feel and what you really wanted out of this relationship

The truth is known to each and every one of us... but how often do we speak that truth to other people?  Until you've come clean in the relationship, you aren't free to end it (and I mean end it in a way that truly means it's over emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.).  Before you can have that boundary conversation, you need to get clear with yourself about your role in where the relationship is.  You need to own your own stuff so you don't take it to the next person.  Whether it's work or love, what you don't own about yourself you will carry into your next encounter... and, then, will be forced to learn the lesson you didn't learn this time around.  Don't go through the same experience twice.  Evaluate your role in where the relationship is, own your piece of it and then walk more confidently into answering the second question.

Tomorrow we'll go over what it means to ask yourself:

How have I demonstrated and given what I'm asking for in this relationship?

3 Questions You Need to Ask Before You Call a Relationship Quits (Read Time: 3 min.)

Any relationship has its ups and downs, its highs and lows but what do you do when you exist in a relationship that neither ebbs or flows, that feels stuck, stagnant and without life? 

What do you do when you're so tired of being stuck that you'd rather end the relationship than give it one final try?

How do you set the boundary that involves saying goodbye when a part of you feels like you didn't give this relationship your all?

Ending a relationship is a HUGE boundary to establish.  Most people don't think of it as a boundary but think again.  When you end a relationship (whether it's a friendship, quit a job, get a divorce, or stop speaking to a family member), you are setting a clear and rather permanent boundary. 

The key to establishing this boundary is doing it in a healthy way... and most people don't.  Most people set this boundary in unhealthy ways, like:

• breaking up with someone via text message
• quitting a job same day without giving two weeks notice
• blasting a friend on facebook or twitter and then unfollowing/blocking them so they don't have the ability to respond
• having an affair or overworking or creating emotional distance as a way of pushing the other person out of the relationship/marriage
• talking badly behind a family member's back but smiling in their face until one day they find out the truth and the whole thing blows up over Thanksgiving dinner

I could go on and on but you get the drift.  None of the above-mentioned ways are mature, compassionate, or healthy... and yet we resort to these tactics because most of us lack the courage and confidence to set this kind of boundary once and for all.

So before you call any relationship quits, here are three questions you need to ask yourself that will help you determine if you're REALLY ready to have this boundary conversation:

1. What am I not giving to this relationship?  
2. How have I demonstrated and given what I'm asking for in this relationship?
3. What else could my feelings about this relationship mean?

 Over the next three days, I'll go in depth on each of the three questions. 

What's stopping you from setting that boundary? (Read Time: 3 min.)

You have a  boundary you'd like to set.  You want to say yes to something or no to someone.  You have felt a boundary violation and know that if you never talk about it, one of two things will occur:

• you'll get resentful and bitter
• you'll lose respect for yourself and cave in even further

Whatever the boundary, you know which one you need to set.  There are three questions you need to answer in order to get off your duff and take action and here they are:

Question #1: What pain do I associate with setting this boundary?  

We do the things we do because we associate good things with them.  We don't do the things we don't do because we associate pain with them.  What negative thing do you think's going to happen when you say to a co-worker, "I can no longer take on your extra projects" or when you say to a friend, "I can no longer watch your kids every day after school"?  What's the worst that could happen?  So often, we catastrophize in our heads, seeing the worst case scenarios and playing them out over and over again to the point where we live afraid, we decide in fear, and we don't decide out of an unwillingness to experience pain... but isn't there pain not setting the boundary?  Yes and alot of it...

Question #2: What payoff do I get by not setting this boundary?  

For every action we don't take, there's a corresponding payoff or pleasure by-product that we get by not taking the action.  Setting boundaries is an action and a massive one at that.  When you aren't setting a boundary with someone, there's something in it for you.  In order to get to the place where you clearly and consciously set the boundary, you've got to remove the positive reinforcement to NOT setting the boundary.  So what's the payoff?  Maybe you don't set the boundary of not working 80 hours a week because you like the fact that your boss approves of you and praises your work ethic in meetings.  Maybe that's your payoff.  Maybe you don't say no to family members who want to borrow money from you and not pay it back because you like the feeling of being needed and you like to be the person who can come and save the day.  Whatever your payoff is, you need to uncover it, own it, and then decide if it's worth the boundary violation to continue this way... or if you need to let it go.

Question #3: What will my life look like 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 years down the road if I don't set this boundary?  

Small choices today have HUGE consequences tomorrow.  Many of us like to live in a world where we think we can make 'so-so' decisions today and it won't really impact tomorrow.  That's not true.  Before you decide to shove things under the rug, before you give in to small requests and allow tiny boundary violations, consider what these habits will cost you long term.  Maybe allowing yourself to take the brunt of your sister's complaints and vent sessions (even though you know you need to work on your education) might not seem like a big deal this week but when you break down the fact that your sister comes over your house three times a week, spends 2 hours each time venting and complaining about things she is taking no action to change, that's 6 hours a week of your study time that you are losing.  Six hours a week boils down to 312 hours a year which boils down to thirteen 24 hour days of your life which boils down to nearly 2 weeks of your life a year which, when you think about it, could easily cause you to graduate 1, 2 or even 3 years later than you planned... and how much would graduating later than expected cost you in potential income increase you could be earning for your family?  Again, when you're sitting at the table listening to your sister's rant, you aren't thinking about the long term but your moment-by-moment decisions are creating the long term.

At the end of the day, if what you want is a life that is based on power and choice, you've got to take action.  You have to make a decision about what you will and will not accept, where you will and will not go, and with whom you'll deal with.  Drawing the line isn't easy but it's certainly easier and much more productive than not drawing a line. 

What's stopping you from setting the boundary you KNOW you need to set?  

Answer that question today...