What's stopping you from setting that boundary? (Read Time: 3 min.)

You have a  boundary you'd like to set.  You want to say yes to something or no to someone.  You have felt a boundary violation and know that if you never talk about it, one of two things will occur:

• you'll get resentful and bitter
• you'll lose respect for yourself and cave in even further

Whatever the boundary, you know which one you need to set.  There are three questions you need to answer in order to get off your duff and take action and here they are:

Question #1: What pain do I associate with setting this boundary?  

We do the things we do because we associate good things with them.  We don't do the things we don't do because we associate pain with them.  What negative thing do you think's going to happen when you say to a co-worker, "I can no longer take on your extra projects" or when you say to a friend, "I can no longer watch your kids every day after school"?  What's the worst that could happen?  So often, we catastrophize in our heads, seeing the worst case scenarios and playing them out over and over again to the point where we live afraid, we decide in fear, and we don't decide out of an unwillingness to experience pain... but isn't there pain not setting the boundary?  Yes and alot of it...

Question #2: What payoff do I get by not setting this boundary?  

For every action we don't take, there's a corresponding payoff or pleasure by-product that we get by not taking the action.  Setting boundaries is an action and a massive one at that.  When you aren't setting a boundary with someone, there's something in it for you.  In order to get to the place where you clearly and consciously set the boundary, you've got to remove the positive reinforcement to NOT setting the boundary.  So what's the payoff?  Maybe you don't set the boundary of not working 80 hours a week because you like the fact that your boss approves of you and praises your work ethic in meetings.  Maybe that's your payoff.  Maybe you don't say no to family members who want to borrow money from you and not pay it back because you like the feeling of being needed and you like to be the person who can come and save the day.  Whatever your payoff is, you need to uncover it, own it, and then decide if it's worth the boundary violation to continue this way... or if you need to let it go.

Question #3: What will my life look like 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 years down the road if I don't set this boundary?  

Small choices today have HUGE consequences tomorrow.  Many of us like to live in a world where we think we can make 'so-so' decisions today and it won't really impact tomorrow.  That's not true.  Before you decide to shove things under the rug, before you give in to small requests and allow tiny boundary violations, consider what these habits will cost you long term.  Maybe allowing yourself to take the brunt of your sister's complaints and vent sessions (even though you know you need to work on your education) might not seem like a big deal this week but when you break down the fact that your sister comes over your house three times a week, spends 2 hours each time venting and complaining about things she is taking no action to change, that's 6 hours a week of your study time that you are losing.  Six hours a week boils down to 312 hours a year which boils down to thirteen 24 hour days of your life which boils down to nearly 2 weeks of your life a year which, when you think about it, could easily cause you to graduate 1, 2 or even 3 years later than you planned... and how much would graduating later than expected cost you in potential income increase you could be earning for your family?  Again, when you're sitting at the table listening to your sister's rant, you aren't thinking about the long term but your moment-by-moment decisions are creating the long term.

At the end of the day, if what you want is a life that is based on power and choice, you've got to take action.  You have to make a decision about what you will and will not accept, where you will and will not go, and with whom you'll deal with.  Drawing the line isn't easy but it's certainly easier and much more productive than not drawing a line. 

What's stopping you from setting the boundary you KNOW you need to set?  

Answer that question today...