Budgeting and Boundaries: Can You Draw a Line in the Sand? (Read Time 3 min.)

How do you feel about budgeting?  

If you're talking to a banker or an accountant, you'll probably get a thumbs up.  If you're talking to someone who's afraid of money, doesn't know how to manage money, or seems to always be without money, you'll probably get a wince, a head down or a deer-in-headlights stare.  The reality is this:

Either you are managing your money 

or your money is managing you.  

So we have to talk about budgeting and financial boundaries because the two are intricately connected.

A budget is a way of using financial boundaries to design your sense of security, safety, and wealth throughout life.  It's the vehicle through which you decide how comfortable you live, what you buy, where you shop, and to what extent you feel provided for.  The best part of a budget is the fact that you get to create it. 

What keeps most people from using budgets is the fear that comes with facing the current, present moment reality of your financial life today.  It's one thing to know that you don't make enough money.  It's quite another to see just how much less you make than what you need in dollars and cents.  People fear knowing the truth because they get caught up in the temporary circumstance of their financial situation.  Remember: Like Facebook, your financial status is going to change but you have to be the one to change it.  There is no Instafinance app in your life that's going to upgrade your salary or benefits or wealth level on its own.  You've got to do that.

So how do you do it?

Use financial boundaries to help you re-frame how you see budgeting so you actually budget AND stick to it.  

I'm not going to use this space to tell you how to budget.  I'll leave all the forms and the instructions to the pros like Dave Ramsey.  What I do want to give you is a series of steps you can use to deprogram that negative, icky feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes every time you even think about getting real with your finances.

Okay... so here are three financial boundaries you can set that will help you discipline yourself to budget:

1) At all times, I know my numbers.  At all times, decide that you know what's in the bank, what's in your gross paycheck, how it's being spent, and how you'll spend it.  Say to yourself: I have to know what's missing so I can create ways to meet that need.  See a budget as a way of getting to the bottom of what you have, what you need, and how you can meet those needs in the next 6-12 months.  Look at your budget like it's  a piece to the puzzle of your financial goals.  You need that piece to finish that puzzle.  When you start to see a budget as an ally (rather than enemy), you make peace and get on the same page with it.
2) Pleasure is a part of EVERY budget.  This is a well kept secret to budgeting that lots of people don't talk about.  One of the reasons people hate budgeting is because it offers no immediate incentive.  When you're making less than you owe, you tend to go into a feast or famine frame of mind: either you starve your life in your budget to pay bills or you spend overboard to compensate for all the previous budgets where you starved yourself of any sort of life enjoyment or satisfaction.  I love Dave Ramsey but I'm not down with totally living on beans and rice for 3 or more years.  At the end of the day, you have to find ways to enjoy your life NOW.  When you include a SMALL portion of your budget and label it as "Pleasure", you wind up feeling abundant, cared for and you're better able to deal with the tightness and allocation of the rest of it.  Bottom line: You have to enjoy each pay check at least a little bit.

3) I keep my big 3 financial goals in front of me at every single budgeting session and brainstorm ways to get to those goals faster through each individual budget.  It's said that people perish for a lack of vision.  It's not enough to pay the bills this month.  There's nothing about "just getting by" that's going to keep you motivated to continue budgeting for the long haul.  I get that people say it's powerful to know where your money is going and telling your money what to do through a budget but you know what?  Having to send your money to bills ALL THE TIME sucks and there's nothing powerful in that.  Instead of looking at your budget as a way to pay bills and live broke, write out your 3 big financial goals/dreams on a sheet of paper before you begin the budgeting process.  As you decide what each line item's going to be, ask yourself: "How can I use this to get to one of these financial goals faster?"  It's about getting to the WHY of budgeting rather than staying stuck in the what.  You attach a WHY to living on beans and rice and you'll get into it, stay consistent with it and get through it much faster.

What's my point in all of this?

Use financial boundaries as a way to help you develop the self-discipline to start budgeting and stay budgeting.  Speaking of which, tonight's a budgeting night for me and I'm going to use all three tips to get my financial party started:)

How Do Your Financial Goals Affect Your Financial Boundaries? (Read Time: 3 min.)

When it comes to your finances, what are your goals?  

What would you like to see happen in 1, 2, 3, and 5 years with your money?

Lots of people read those two questions and stop right there... At this point, things are so tough financially that they can barely imagine what it's going to look like in a year let alone five (and many of them don't really want to know).  Right there, this kind of doom-and-gloom, "I make just enough to get by" mentality is setting up unhealthy financial boundaries like:

• I never have enough money so why budget? (unhealthy boundary: not budgeting)
• I'm so in the hole, I'll never get ahead so I stay in debt because that's the only way I can cope with my life (unhealthy boundary: overspending on things that don't really matter)
• This is the best I can do so I might as well stay in this job and keep making this level of money (unhealthy boundary: accepting pay as unchanging & taking no action to progress financially)

I could go on and on but you get my drift.  Without a vision, people perish.  In the same way, without a financial vision, without telling your money what to do (as Dave Ramsey puts it), you're under the control of finances and not IN control of them.  

Right now, it may seem impossible to set financial goals.  Money might be tight.  Your job might be tenuous.  You may be unemployed.  Your business might be brand new and you have no idea what to expect.  No matter what the circumstance, NOW is the time to set financial goals for the next 12 months.

Why?  

To get where you want to go, you have to know where it is you're going.  Begin today. 

Develop 3 financial goals for the next twelve months.  Here are four coaching questions that will help you do that:

1) In the next twelve months, how much money would you like to have saved in the bank?

2) In the next twelve months, how much debt would you like to have paid off?

3) In the next twelve months, what major purchases would you like to make?

4) How much would you like to see your income increase by in the next twelve months?

Answer those questions and you've got a financial vision.

Goals = a tangible dream.  Go after it!

What Do Your Financial Boundaries Look Like? (Read Time: 3 min.)

When it comes to money, how are your boundaries? 
When people think of healthy boundaries, a lot of the boundaries they think about are emotional or physical in nature: relationships, privacy, physical space, job roles, family roles, and the list goes on.  All of these have a very personal feel to them.  But nothing is as personal and as touchy a subject to others as money. 

So today we're going to do a little financial boundary inspection.  Below I'm going to ask you 10 questions about your financial boundaries.  In a notebook, jot your answers down and, one by one, I'll address the DOs and DONTs of each question in a daily post.

Here they are: 

1) What are your financial goals?  How specific are they?
2) What's your method for budgeting?  How well is it working for your financial goals?
3) What scares you most about money?
4) Where do you feel financial insecurity and how are you handling it?
5) What is most of your money being spent on?  Is it the thing that will get you where you want to be long term?
6) How much debt do you have?  How does it make you feel?
7) If you could change one thing about your finances, what would you change?
8) If you are in a relationship, how often do you communicate about money?  How productive are those conversations?
9) When you look at your financial reality today, where is this present bringing you five years from now?  Is that where you want to be?
10) What financial boundaries do you need to set so that you arrive at a financially wealthier and healthier place in the next year?

Ask For What You Want (Read Time: 2 min.)

I meet so many people who are afraid to ask for what they want (what they REALLY want).  Whether it's fear of rejection or fear of disapproval, they allow some sort of fear to keep them from requesting what is their right to request. 



When I coach, I hear clients subtly ask for permission to do a lot of things like:

• get rest
• take time off
• own their feelings
• speak their truth
• live their lives
• change jobs
• admit they hate something someone else is doing

And the list goes on...

But here's the deal: 

Not owning your power to choose 

means you're giving that power away.

Any power you won't reveal, other people will have no problem trying to steal.  When we don't use our power, we end up giving it away.

How have you given away your power to others?  

Sometimes we give away power by not speaking up.  At other times, we give away power by revealing too much.  The key to speaking the truth and asking to have your needs met is one thing:

TRUST YOURSELF...

Your inner knowing is keenly aware of what boundary conversations you need to have and when, what truths you need to speak and why, what requests you need to make and how to meet those needs COMPLETELY.  But if you don't trust that, you doubt it... and your doubt brings you to a place of fear.

Take a powerful step: 

Start asking for what you want without fear of reprisal.  

Start speaking your truth to others and stop worrying about whether they like it.

Begin to create a life where you speak what's real for you because that's the only way you know how to live.

Let go of the misconception that being "nice" is worth more than being real.  

How many "nice" people do you remember?  

At the end of the day, follow the words of Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements: 

"Ask for what you want.  Everyone has the right to tell you yes or no but you always have the right to ask."

Yes... you do.   

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please (Read Time: 3 min.)

Yesterday, I talked about why being a "good girl/good guy" is a bad thing.  I gave you all the reasons why taking on that role does not serve you.  In today's post, I want to give you 5 practical, strategic, all-up-to-you ways to cure the disease to please.

Here's the truth:

People-pleasing is a habit you can't afford to have 

if your goal is to create a life you love to look at.

You simply don't have enough years in this lifetime to waste it people pleasing.  When that truly resonates with you, something in you starts to say, "Ok, so what do I have to do to get over this people-pleasing thing?"  I'm glad you asked...

In my people-pleasing days, I found myself doing a lot of things I really didn't want to do.  I ate at restaurants because other people liked those restaurants.  I did favors even when I didn't have the time to do it.  I sacrificed my own needs so I could meet the needs of others. 

I did lots of ridiculous, boundary bending things that, 

at the end of the day, didn't make people like me more; 

it gave them permission to respect me less.  

When I finally woke up to the people-pleasing tendencies that I had, I made some clear, sudden shifts.  Here are five that I found extremely helpful (Note: I did the whole emotional explosion thing and made ALOT of sudden changes so I won't put all of those here because, let's get down to it, a lot of the other ones (done in haste and anger) simply didn't work). 

But here are five strategies that did:

1) Define your 3 life non-negotiables.  What are the three things that need to happen in your life on a regular basis (daily/weekly/monthly) that put you at your best so you can fully give to others?  What are those three things that NEED to happen regardless of what else does or doesn't get done?  Write them down.  Schedule them into your life.  Make them NON-NEGOTIABLES, meaning if those don't get done, ain't nothin' else gettin' done.  You feel me?  NON-NEGOTIABLE...

2)  Let go of ANY non-reciprocal or one-sided relationships.  If someone only calls you when they need something, you don't have a relationship; you have a contract and guess what?  You aren't getting paid for your work.  If you have a relationship with ANYONE (that includes family) where you aren't being heard, seen, or treated with respect, why stay in it?  Have ONE GOOD boundary conversation with the person in question and let them know how you feel about the current state of the relationship.  See if there's room to shift things.  However, if that person continues to show you who they are (and who that is represents USER), it's time to let that person go. Truth be told, that person was never really in the relationship anyway.

3) Find people who support your growth, who get your vision, and who know how to create and keep healthy boundaries and make those people your inner circle.  Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires support.  You need healthy boundary mentors who've been where you've been and who have mastered the art of creating and keeping healthy boundaries.  You also need people around you who really see you, who know what you're worth and who'll remind you, when you have a people-pleasing setback, to stop playing small in the world.

4) Say "No" to anything that doesn't feel right.  This is a hard one.  When you've people pleased for a long time, "Yes" becomes the automatic answer.  When you start to rewire that mental programming, you actually have to stop answering requests for your time in the moment they come.  Begin to respond to ANY request with things like "I need 24 hours to think about that.  I'll let you know" or openly say "No, I'm scheduled to do something else at that time."  Bottom line: pull back your "Yes" and say "No" more and with more certainty.  Remember: HOW you say "No" is oftentimes more important than the fact that you did.  If someone hears your "No" as a "Yes", you've lost the battle.

5) Before going in the people pleasing direction, ask yourself, "How relevant is this person's approval to my life five years from now and how much of my self esteem am I willing to give up to make this person like me?"  Long question, yes but very effective.  And here's why.  When we people please, we tend to lie to ourselves about why we did.  We tend to say things like "I just wanted to help" or "I know if I were in that situation, I'd want someone to help me."  Cut to the chase with yourself and tell the truth.  You people please because you want to be liked and you feel a need to be liked because you're afraid that people won't love you, need you or want to be around you if you didn't try so hard.  When you ask the above question, you get down to the root of it: Will this person's approval matter to me in 5 years?  Am I willing to pay the HIGH price of my self esteem in order to get their temporary approval (until they need the next thing from me)?  Chances are, your answer will be HELL NO.

Bottom line of this post:

You can stop people-pleasing in ANY moment you choose.

Implement these five steps and let me know how it goes...

Why Playing the "Good Girl" is a Bad Thing (Read Time: 4 min.)

How often have you found yourself playing the role of the "good girl/good guy"?  

You know the one... The reliable, responsible, trusting, caring, nurturing, say "Yes" to everything person who's always there and ready to help...

Playing the role is a double-edged sword.  There's a difference between giving because you choose to and saying "Yes" because you have to.  The "good girl" persona is one that requires too much time, too much energy and results in very little value... for you and the other person.

Here are 5 reasons that playing the "good girl" is a bad thing: 
1) Pretending to be someone you're not indicates insecurity... and emotional vampires can smell insecurity a million miles away.  Why do you think people use "good girls" so much?  Whenever you create a super-good persona, you implicate yourself in the belief that who you REALLY are simply isn't good enough... and crazymakers eat that kind of insecurity for breakfast.

2) "Good girls" really do finish last.  When you play the "good" role, you can't put on the hat five hours out of the day.  We teach people how to treat us so the more you play "good", the longer people expect you to play the role.  Before you know it, you're in a marriage, raising a family, and working at a job where people demand all of your time without one concern about meeting any of your needs.  It's a vicious cycle where you take on the role of serving and people stop seeing you as anything other than a servant.  Don't do it!

3) Eventually, you will get tired of being someone you're not and then watch out!  The volcano erupts, you have some explosive conversations, and now you've lost your cool, family and friends, and you're not quite sure who you are anymore.  Whatever you suppress has to come out... AT SOME POINT.  When you cover up who you really are, you set the stage for an eventual emotional showdown.  First you have a showdown; then you meltdown... and then you have to do the work of picking up all the pieces.  All in all, it's way too much work pretending to be someone that you're not only to explode into someone you never wanted to be only to come back to picking up the pieces of who you really were to begin with.  The Incredible Hulk is overrated but when good girls go wild, that's exactly who comes out.

4) Perfect sucks.  Here's the thing: nobody's perfect and striving for it is a total and complete waste of time.  Some people spend their whole lives trying to live up to other people's fantasies about who they "should" be.  It's called a fantasy for a reason.  Don't get sucked into the trap of having to be MORE so other people will like you.  Those who don't like or love you as you are never will like or love you as you will be.  Once you get to their definition of perfect, they'll create a new one... and there you'll be, on the hamster wheel, trying to keep up.  Remember: the only perfection is imperfection and we're perfectly capable of doing that by being ourselves.

5) When you shine a light on the "pretend" version of you, you dim the brilliance of who you really are.  Nobody wants the fake version of a brilliant, real thing and, yet, somehow, we think that being NOT ourselves is exactly what people are looking for.  If you're in a relationship with someone who can't handle how brave, brilliant, and daring you are, rethink the relationship, not YOU... The test of any boundary is not whether or not the other person will honor it but to what extent you will uphold it... Play the "good girl/good guy" won't get you more respect or love; it will get you more conditions upon which respect and love are divvied out.  That's not the kind of relationship you want.

So how do get over the whole "good girl/good guy" syndrome?

Check out tomorrow's blog post where I talk about  

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please!  

I'll break it down then...

Have You Ever Set a Boundary and Changed Your Mind? (Read Time: 3 min.)

Sometimes the boundaries you set aren't the boundaries you need.  It could easily be that you set a boundary in one place in your life or with a certain amount of information (maybe incorrect information) and you're now in a new place with new information.  The bottom line is this: you have the right to change your mind and you have the right to change your boundaries.

Here's the key to changing boundaries: Change them infrequently enough to establish a firm stance on your core boundary values but change them completely enough so all involved understand that it's your right to have your needs met in the way that you choose.  It's a fine line to walk but it can be done.

Before you change any boundary, ask yourself the following questions:

1) What's not working about the current boundary?

2) How will changing the boundary get my needs met?

3) What impact will changing the boundary have on others?  How can I make it a positive impact?

4) How will I need to establish this new boundary (in terms of behavior, actions, thoughts, and boundary communication)?

5) How will I handle any resistance to this new boundary?

6) How long do I plan to keep this boundary in place? (HINT: If you feel like you might change your mind about the boundary in three months or less, there's no point in changing the boundary).  Keep it the same and try to re-frame or rework the boundary.

Once you've answered those questions, it's time to get down to boundary conversation planning.  You need to identify who you need to communicate the boundary to, when you'll have the conversation, and when the boundary will go into effect.  Knowing this for yourself frees you up from the "deer-in-headlights" look you would've given the moment someone responds to your boundary with, "But why?"  The issue isn't why; the issue is how.  "Here's how my boundary's changing... Here's how I would like to be treated... Here's how we can make this work for both of us..."  Don't get caught up in the blame/explain/complain game.  Speak your truth, explain it compassionately and concisely and then move forward.

At the end of the day, remember that you do have the right to change your mind.  You do have the right to change your boundaries.  No one is the same in any given moment.  Do not expect iron clad boundaries when life is not about being the same; it's about constantly evolving and being different.  Give yourself the room to change your boundaries when life and experience calls for it, not in a whimsical, wiffle-waffle way but in a conscious, compassionate, love-yourself-truly kind of way.

Five Boundaries You Need to Stand Firm On (Read Time: 3 min.)

All boundaries are important but not every boundary is absolutely, positively vital to your well being and success in life. 

When push comes to shove, what are the boundaries that you MUST have in place and keep in tact?

Here are 5 of the MUST-HAVE healthy boundaries:

1) Self-Care: By far the most important boundary you need is the boundary that establishes time for YOU: time to rejuvenate, relax, rest, receive, respond, time to make sure you're feeling whole, healthy and complete so you can give your best from your best.  What self-care boundaries do you have in place?

2) Time: Your time is valuable, not just because you have a limited amount of it but because you have an unlimited array of things you can do with it.  Knowing what times of day, what seasons of life, and what activities are off limits and when is an important, healthy boundary to have.  For example, at what hour of day and night do you no longer answer your cell phone?  What are the exceptions to that?  Can people come over your house without prior notice?  If not, how much notice do they have to give you?  What time do you go to bed?  What time do you wake up?  How many hours do you work each week?  These are the kinds of questions that lead to the formation of healthy time boundaries.

3) Family boundaries:  Every person in your family has a role.  Clearly outlining everyone's role and having agreement about who does what when is key to having a family that's in harmony.  Who's the finance person?  Who's the disciplinarian?  How is discipline done?  Who does what chores when?  When is family time each week?  Does the family eat meals together?  If so, how often?  What kinds of decisions are made individually, as a couple, and by the entire family?  What kind of family business is discussed with extended family?  What kinds of business are not discussed with extended family?  What role does extended family make in family decisions?  Where do people live?  How much do people work?  Who takes care of the kids?  How does everyone show and experience love in the household?  These questions help guide the design of healthy family boundaries.

4) Intimacy: Intimacy boundaries set the tone for how close people can come to you (physically and emotionally).  These boundaries identify what an appropriate relationship looks like and when certain types of behavior and communication are allowed/not allowed.  When you set intimacy boundaries, you answer questions like: How close are people allowed to get to you?  What's the physical and emotional distance allowed for a friend? Family member?  Spouse?  Co-worker?  Boss?  What kinds of questions can they ask and where is the line of inappropriate behavior drawn?  How much PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are allowed and where are they allowed? 

5) Work: Work boundaries establish your job roles, responsibilities, and the extent to which those roles and responsibilities overlap into your personal life.  What do you do at work?  What's your job and what's not your job?  How many hours will you work each week?  How much private information will you share with your boss and co-workers?  How often will you take on "extra" projects or help others with their work responsibilities?  What is too much work and how will you keep yourself from experiencing burnout?  All of these questions help you clearly define your work boundaries. 

When first learning how to create AND keep healthy boundaries, there's a temptation to try to create boundaries in ALL areas of life.  That's a lot to take on if you've been people pleasing for years.  Instead, do what works: begin in one or two areas of your life.  Create and keep healthy boundaries in those areas and then expand your healthy boundaries as you get accustomed to the self discipline of communicating and keeping your boundaries in place.

Between Loving Yourself & Needing Other People: How to Say No (Read Time: 5 min.)

No is a powerful word.  It's a word that establishes a boundary.  It creates a limit.  It is a word that, when used consciously, has the ability to redraw the lines of one's very existence.  However, "No" is also a word far too many people use against themselves.

"No, I am not worthy."

"No, I don't have the right to say how I feel."

"No, I won't speak the truth."

"No, I am going to be that person that people can depend on, even if it costs me my sanity."

"No, I have to say 'Yes.'"

How often have you said "No" to what you really want, really need and how you really feel... 

only to discover that the silence of your "No" has left you without the power to TRULY say "Yes"?  

It's amazing how much our society plays the tune of "Love requires sacrifice."  You can't pick up a Cosmo magazine or turn on a radio station or watch a sappy chick flick without getting the message loud and clear:

Loving you requires that I sacrifice me.

In what love story does that ever really work out?

But here's the problem: We've been raised on fairy tales but were never told the grim, unfortunate endings of those stories.  We've been longing for fairy tale princes and Cinderella carriages but we so conveniently forget that the prince was once a toad, the carriage became a pumpkin and Snow White spent a loooooooooooooooong time waiting for her true love's kiss.  And the sick part of it is this: we apply this love-requires-sacrifice logic to our boundaries... and then wonder why we're miserable.

And let me spell out the truth:

Loving yourself doesn't have to cause anybody else pain.  

Choosing yourself doesn't mean that you can't also choose others.

You are free to love yourself and, in fact, you NEED to love yourself enough to establish boundaries that honor you AND the other person.  It is not your selfishness that keeps you stuck; it is your selflessness that keeps you a prisoner.

Where did we come up with the term 'selfless' any way?  

It isn't even possible to be selfless so long as you have a SELF. 

We need to make a boundary paradigm shift where we move from looking at creating and keeping healthy boundaries as some optional, selfish thing people do when they're sick and tired to being the natural, loving, conscious thing we do when we realize that the best care we can offer begins and ends at home.

You CAN love yourself and love other people.  You CAN take care of yourself and take care of your kids too.  You CAN fulfill your dreams and, in doing so, be part of the evolution of someone else's vision.  You do not exist in exclusion to anyone else's survival.

We are all intricately connected and when we get that, one truth about our boundaries becomes VERY clear:

Saying "No" is the gift you give to others that gives them permission to say "Yes" to themselves.

This is not an either/or decision.  It's an "I can have both" choice.

So how do you love yourself, honor yourself, and care for yourself when you know that your saying "Yes" to you will leave a lot of people feeling hurt, bitter, or angry about you saying "No" to them?  I'm so glad you asked.

I've been metaphysical up until now so let's get down to the practical.

Here are 4 ways to say "No" wholeheartedly and without regret:

1. Know what you're saying "No" to.  What are you saying "No" to?  Sometimes you're saying no to a request.  At other times, you're saying "No" to a relationship.  Be very clear (before you say no) what you're saying "No" to.  Contrary to popular belief, sometimes your "No" is personal and it's important to know that in advance so when you say "No", you get very clear with the person about what exactly you are saying "No" to. Keep this in mind: if you're saying "No" to a relationship or to a personality, people's feelings WILL get hurt.  It is what it is.  You don't have to defend your right to say "No" but you do have to be up front about what you're saying "No" to so both parties are clear about what that "No" means. 
2. Tell the person what you need, how you're meeting your own needs and why their support (i.e. they're graciously and completing accepting your "No") is so vital to your well-being.  People like to feel important.  They want to know that they made a difference in your life.  When somebody graciously accepts a "No" and honors your boundary, they ARE making a difference and it's important to set up the gratitude for their assistance even BEFORE they give the assistance.  It's a little nudge in the right boundary direction and only you can give it.
3. Say the "No" within 48 hours of knowing that it's the right answer.  So many people prolong saying "No" until they talk themselves out of doing what's right in favor of doing what's easy.  Here's the catch to that: avoidance seems easy when you do it but just wait long enough... The consequences for putting off today what you're bound to do at some point in the future is HUGE.  When you've listened to your inner knowing and the "No" is clear, give yourself 48 hours to communicate it.  Waiting beyond that is asking for trouble and the kind that starts with boundary bending and ends with people pleasing.  Don't do it.
4. Say "No" like you mean it.  Say "No" with conviction, not in hesitancy.  How you say "No" is as important as what you say "No" to.  If you come across wishy washy, people will hear a totally different response.  Remember: you have taught people how to treat you and if this is a new "No", it needs to be given with that much more gravity.  Be clear, be serious, and be steadfast with your "No."  Make sure your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language back that up.

One final point:

You NEVER have to choose.

Wars start because people think they're on opposite sides of humanity when we are all one.  You NEVER have to choose between loving yourself and caring for others.  Both can co-exist.  Accept that as a new core belief and setting boundaries will become that much easier.

How Can I Stop Feeling Selfish For Putting Myself First? (Read Time: 3 min.)

How often do you feel guilty about meeting some of your most basic needs (adequate sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise, relaxation, quiet time)?


When you decide to put yourself back on your own priority list, it's no simple task.  Now that your self-care is taking center stage (and rightfully so), there are shifts that have to be made: people you'll have to say "No" to, activities you'll need to stop doing, clubs/committees/responsibilities you'll have to turn down, and more selective use of all of your time.  All in all, there will be people who will be disappointed that you are no longer as available to say "Yes" as you used to be. 

What do you do when the resistance and 

the disappointment of others at your "No" to them

causes you to feel selfish about your "Yes" to you?

Here are three options:
Option #1:  Decide that you deserve your own time.  This is a conscious decision.  You have two choices: 1) Not worthy or 2) Worthy. 

If you're not worthy of self-care, then here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I don't deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy.  I don't deserve to have my needs met and everyone else has the right to use and abuse me because I don't have the right to be who I am and have that be good enough.  I'm unworthy of good things and people have the right to treat me like their servant any time they want.  I'm not good enough and I never will be so why bother?  I'm choosing to not take care of myself which will cause me lots of short and long term problems that I deserve." 

Are you willing to co-sign on that kind of life?  

Every time you fail to make your self-care a priority, that's exactly what you do.

If you're worthy of self-care, here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy.  I know that I deserve to have my needs met and that I'm capable of meeting my own needs.  I understand that my life works best when I care for myself first.  I know that the people who love me want me to care for myself and they respect my need and fulfillment of self-care.  I also know that the people who disapprove of my self-care are people who might not be doing self-care themselves and surely don't know their own value and capabilities.  No one requires my giving up my self-care to fulfill their needs.  I trust that people (just like me) have it within themselves to meet their own needs so I meet my needs knowing that doing so puts me at my highest level of health, energy, vitality and productivity.  From that place, I can give so much more for so much longer.  The people I love deserve a happy, healthy, whole me and that's exactly who they get when I put my self-care first." 

Isn't that how you want to live in the world?  

Truth be told, it's the ONLY way to live and really be living.  

Option #2: Do a Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in.  Identify three people you know who have healthy boundaries.  For each person, ask yourself the following questions:

1) How does this person take care of him/herself?

2) What kinds of things does this person do to make him/herself a priority when it comes to self-care?

3) How much does this person still manage to offer and share with others?

4) Do I consider that person selfish?  

When you do the Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in, there are three things you figure out really fast:
1) These individuals are some of the most giving, loving, selfless people you'll ever meet.
2) These individuals take GOOD care of themselves which leads them to take GOOD care of others.
3) These people have an optimistic, grateful approach to life and complain less than other people do (esp. less than those who give and give and give but never make time for themselves).

Getting clear on how you feel about other people who make self-care a priority gives you the freedom to do the same.  It becomes very clear that people who love themselves take care of themselves and there's no guilt in self-love OR self-care. 

Option #3:  Get comfortable with the fact that not everyone's going to like you... and that's okay.  

This is a harder order to fill because we all crave approval.  We seek approval.  It's human to want the pat on the back, the "Job well done!" or the proud nod from your parents.  We all want to hear the people we love and trust most say, "You did good!"  But, sometimes, people use that need for approval as a bargaining chip in the game of life.  Sometimes, people take your need for love and acceptance and use it as a way to control your life.  Here's the sad part: Those people may get their needs met for a short time but it comes at a very high price: the loss of the relationship.  Here's the joyful part: No one can control you unless you let them.  It's up to you to decide that if a few people are mad because you decided to go get a massage rather than babysit their kids, it's OK.  If somebody's upset because you turned down taking on an extra project for them so you could give 100% to your current project load, THEY'LL LIVE.  If somebody's complaining because you're never available for their 3 am relationship drama phone calls because you need to get at least six hours of sleep, they'll find someone else to call (THEY ALWAYS DO). 

Remember: 

You are not the beginning or the end for ANYONE.  Within each person is the ability to meet their own needs.  It is up to you to meet yours and you have the power to do that and the responsibility to do it, whether or not people approve, like or assist you. 

Read Between the Lines: Why You Allow Others to 'Depend' on You So Much (Read Time: 4 min.)

This is not going to be a "hope floats" kind of blog post.  In fact, today's post is a real, up-close-and-personal, let's talk about the elephant in the room, take accountability and love-your-mess kind of post.  Why?  Because people run from the truth.  They refuse to tell each other the truth and if it's one thing I choose to do with this blog, it's this:

I'm going to give it to you straight.  

Brutal honesty?  No.  Rigorous honesty?  Yes.

So let's get down to business...  

Once upon a time, I was one of those people who loved being "dependable" (i.e. being needed).  I was raised the "responsible" one, the oldest child, the one expected to do all the right things in all the right moments. 

Can you relate?  

Well, the gift and curse of being "dependable" is this: when people see that you're exceptionally gifted at being where they want you to be when they want you to be there doing what they want you to do whenever they ask, they will ask AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  And because you find fulfillment in words like "I so appreciate you" or "You're the best" or "I couldn't have done it without you" or "You're a lifesaver", you continue doing the co-dependent thing because above all else, you NEED to be needed. 

But here's the problem with that: 

When you treat your life like it's one big transaction, you end up feeling used. 

So it's time to read between the lines.  The people using you won't ever tell you the truth because they enjoy (or don't even consciously realize that they enjoy) having someone to use.  In a book called Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend indicate the following:

"Co-dependent, boundaryless people 

"co-sign the note of life" for the irresponsible person."

How many people have you co-signed (or are you co-signing) 

the note of life for and still they depend on you for more?  

If your goal is to stop bending your boundaries to the whims and wishes of others, you have to get real with why you do it.  People will depend on you to the extent and as much as you allow.  So the question isn't "Why do they keep depending on me?"  The real question is: Why do I keep allowing them to use me?

And here are some answers:

1) Your giving is motivated by guilt and not love.  Your dependability is based on your sense that you aren't worthy of love if you're not giving, that you have to give in order to get (i.e. to get other people's time, love and affection).  You bargain in your relationships because you aren't sure that people will stick around if you have no chips on the table.  In this way, your internal expectations about love are based on contracts, not covenants.
2) You fear being left so you insist on being needed.  If people need you, then there's a reason for them to stick around.  You've forgotten that you are precious, gifted and never alone.  You see the world as if it's a Murphy's law existence and you use your dependability to keep the other shoe from dropping.
3) You don't know your value apart from the worth other people give you.  Other people's praise is fleeting but this is what you live on; it's what you hunger for.  You crave approval in a way that turns your power over to the people whose approval you need and that keeps you being "dependable" so long as their "liking of you requires their using of you.
4) You'd rather blame other people for "making" you give rather than own the fact that you don't have the guts to not give.  People fear their power to say "No" because they think that their "No" comes with repercussions.  Little do they understand that every fake "Yes" has long-term negative consequences that you cannot hide, deny or avoid.

5) Pity parties are something you enjoy and when people overload you with their wants and needs, it gives you the perfect excuse to throw one. 

6) You've accepted the role of martyr because it's the only one you know how to do really well.  

Harsh words, right?  Sometimes the truth is exactly that way but you need to read the truth so you can accept the truth so you can now declare your own truth.  You no longer have to be Mr. or Ms. "Dependable."  You can now choose to be Mr. or Ms. Brave, Brilliant and Daring.  Does that mean you say "No" to every request?  Of course not.  It simply means you no longer say "Yes" out of obligation, resentment or fear. 

You say "Yes" as a move of power, as an expression of love and knowing full well that at any given moment, you also have the right to change your mind... 

Need help getting there?

Order your copy of 

The Healthy Boundaries Master Class today!

-->Click HERE for more Info<--

The 5 Reasons Why You are Not on Your Own Priority List... And What to Do About That (Read Time: 3 min.)

Ever look at your priority list and discover that you aren't on it?

Your needs, your goals, your dreams... they didn't make YOUR list.

Ever sit and think to yourself, "How is it that I'm putting everybody else on the list but me?"

Good... I'm glad you're at least asking the question.



Far too many people find themselves living lives they didn't choose.  Is it because they're not capable of more?  No.  Is it because they lack the ability to fulfill their dreams?  Of course not.  People wind up living life on auto-pilot for many reasons but the one that seems to resonate with so many is this:

People who live life on other people's terms do so by failing to create AND keep healthy boundaries.

Think about it... If you lack the ability to say AND mean "No", then the only person you really have the ability to say "No" to is yourself.  Continue that for five, ten, or fifteen years and not only do you have an uninspiring life but you become an overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful person who pastes a smile, says "Yes" incessantly and inwardly is screaming in rage that life is unfair, people are inconsiderate and needs aren't being met.

Don't be that person.  

The first step in rediscovering your boundaries comes in uncovering why you've spent so long not being on your own priority list.

Here are 5 reasons why you are not on your own priority list: 

1) You want other people's approval... even if it costs you your own.  Approval is something everybody seeks but when you need it, you turn the reigns of your life over to the person whose approval you HAVE to have.  Oftentimes, we bypass our own needs to meet the needs of those we want to "like" us.  Remember one thing: people respect those who know how to say "Yes" and "No."  No one will respect your boundaries or meet your needs until you do.
2) You feel obligated to serve the needs of others before your own.  Here's the problem with obligation: service given by force is not service; it's indebtedness and there are few who want to receive help if it's tainted with resentment.
3) You're afraid to be empowered.  Sometimes, we keep ourselves off our own priority lists because we know what being consistently on our own priority list would amount to: an empowered individual with high self esteem who knows what he/she wants and who's not afraid to ask for and receive it.  Many people fear being that person and stepping into that power.  Why?  Because they aren't sure how the other people around them will react to a highly evolved, powerful them.  The fear of losing love, connection, and relationship is enough to keep many people from putting and keeping themselves on their own priority lists.
4)  You don't want to be labeled 'selfish.'  There are many people who were either told or taught that to put themselves first equals being selfish.  In their minds, being selfish is just as bad as being evil.  Here's the problem with that: if you don't take care of you, how will you care for anyone else?  Operating on little sleep, low energy, and without proper care is not a way you can operate for very long.  Even when you do, rest assured that there are serious, long term consequences to taking your own life for granted.  Change the paradigm of 'selfish' and replace it with the concept of self-care.
5) You believe meeting your needs will cost you more in the long run than it will cost you in the short run.  Typically, people who buy into this myth are huge fans of Murphy's Law.  They not only look for the other shoe to drop but they expect it to.  If you're one of those people, keep this in mind: "The thing always happens that you really believe and the belief in a thing makes it happen." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Until you can accept that meeting your needs comes with no dire, negative life consequences, you will continue to put yourself on the back burner... and blame everybody else for it.

So what do you do if you find that one or more of the above reasons apply to you?

Change it...

How?

Here are three next steps to begin the process:

Step #1: Pull out a sheet of paper and write the top 3 needs that you have (that you aren't meeting) that you could meet on your own.  Next to each need, write down why the need is important and what it will cost you 6 months, 1 year and 5 years down the road if you continue NOT meeting the need.

Step #2: Identify what items on your To-Do list you can now delegate to other people so you can create space to put yourself back on the priority list.  Identify What you can delegate, Who you can delegate to, When you'll have the delegation conversation, and What date you plan to have the item fully delegated.

Step #3: Create a 'Me First' implementation strategy where you choose the date, the day, and the time you'll meet each of your three needs.  If it's a habit you need to build into your life, write down what day you'll start building that happen and keep track of the building process for 21 days.  If it's a special event you're going to attend, write down the critical dates you'll need to set the event up, pay for it, and attend.  Find an accountability partner who will hold you accountable for following through.

At the end of the day, you are the master of your Priority List.  If you aren't on that list, not only do you need to re-write the list, you need to redo your life.  In order to give the most to others, you have to begin by giving the most for yourself.  Start with these next three steps and give yourself 21 days to feel and see a difference.  You can do it!

Need more strategies, techniques, and implementation plans for putting you back on your priority list?  Order your copy of The Healthy Boundaries Master Class today!  Visit the site at http://www.healthyboundariesnow.com.