Here's the truth:
People-pleasing is a habit you can't afford to have
if your goal is to create a life you love to look at.
You simply don't have enough years in this lifetime to waste it people pleasing. When that truly resonates with you, something in you starts to say, "Ok, so what do I have to do to get over this people-pleasing thing?" I'm glad you asked...
In my people-pleasing days, I found myself doing a lot of things I really didn't want to do. I ate at restaurants because other people liked those restaurants. I did favors even when I didn't have the time to do it. I sacrificed my own needs so I could meet the needs of others.
I did lots of ridiculous, boundary bending things that,
at the end of the day, didn't make people like me more;
it gave them permission to respect me less.
When I finally woke up to the people-pleasing tendencies that I had, I made some clear, sudden shifts. Here are five that I found extremely helpful (Note: I did the whole emotional explosion thing and made ALOT of sudden changes so I won't put all of those here because, let's get down to it, a lot of the other ones (done in haste and anger) simply didn't work).
But here are five strategies that did:
1) Define your 3 life non-negotiables. What are the three things that need to happen in your life on a regular basis (daily/weekly/monthly) that put you at your best so you can fully give to others? What are those three things that NEED to happen regardless of what else does or doesn't get done? Write them down. Schedule them into your life. Make them NON-NEGOTIABLES, meaning if those don't get done, ain't nothin' else gettin' done. You feel me? NON-NEGOTIABLE...2) Let go of ANY non-reciprocal or one-sided relationships. If someone only calls you when they need something, you don't have a relationship; you have a contract and guess what? You aren't getting paid for your work. If you have a relationship with ANYONE (that includes family) where you aren't being heard, seen, or treated with respect, why stay in it? Have ONE GOOD boundary conversation with the person in question and let them know how you feel about the current state of the relationship. See if there's room to shift things. However, if that person continues to show you who they are (and who that is represents USER), it's time to let that person go. Truth be told, that person was never really in the relationship anyway.
3) Find people who support your growth, who get your vision, and who know how to create and keep healthy boundaries and make those people your inner circle. Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires support. You need healthy boundary mentors who've been where you've been and who have mastered the art of creating and keeping healthy boundaries. You also need people around you who really see you, who know what you're worth and who'll remind you, when you have a people-pleasing setback, to stop playing small in the world.
4) Say "No" to anything that doesn't feel right. This is a hard one. When you've people pleased for a long time, "Yes" becomes the automatic answer. When you start to rewire that mental programming, you actually have to stop answering requests for your time in the moment they come. Begin to respond to ANY request with things like "I need 24 hours to think about that. I'll let you know" or openly say "No, I'm scheduled to do something else at that time." Bottom line: pull back your "Yes" and say "No" more and with more certainty. Remember: HOW you say "No" is oftentimes more important than the fact that you did. If someone hears your "No" as a "Yes", you've lost the battle.
5) Before going in the people pleasing direction, ask yourself, "How relevant is this person's approval to my life five years from now and how much of my self esteem am I willing to give up to make this person like me?" Long question, yes but very effective. And here's why. When we people please, we tend to lie to ourselves about why we did. We tend to say things like "I just wanted to help" or "I know if I were in that situation, I'd want someone to help me." Cut to the chase with yourself and tell the truth. You people please because you want to be liked and you feel a need to be liked because you're afraid that people won't love you, need you or want to be around you if you didn't try so hard. When you ask the above question, you get down to the root of it: Will this person's approval matter to me in 5 years? Am I willing to pay the HIGH price of my self esteem in order to get their temporary approval (until they need the next thing from me)? Chances are, your answer will be HELL NO.
Bottom line of this post:
You can stop people-pleasing in ANY moment you choose.
Implement these five steps and let me know how it goes...
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