How Can I Stop Feeling Selfish For Putting Myself First? (Read Time: 3 min.)

How often do you feel guilty about meeting some of your most basic needs (adequate sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise, relaxation, quiet time)?


When you decide to put yourself back on your own priority list, it's no simple task.  Now that your self-care is taking center stage (and rightfully so), there are shifts that have to be made: people you'll have to say "No" to, activities you'll need to stop doing, clubs/committees/responsibilities you'll have to turn down, and more selective use of all of your time.  All in all, there will be people who will be disappointed that you are no longer as available to say "Yes" as you used to be. 

What do you do when the resistance and 

the disappointment of others at your "No" to them

causes you to feel selfish about your "Yes" to you?

Here are three options:
Option #1:  Decide that you deserve your own time.  This is a conscious decision.  You have two choices: 1) Not worthy or 2) Worthy. 

If you're not worthy of self-care, then here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I don't deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy.  I don't deserve to have my needs met and everyone else has the right to use and abuse me because I don't have the right to be who I am and have that be good enough.  I'm unworthy of good things and people have the right to treat me like their servant any time they want.  I'm not good enough and I never will be so why bother?  I'm choosing to not take care of myself which will cause me lots of short and long term problems that I deserve." 

Are you willing to co-sign on that kind of life?  

Every time you fail to make your self-care a priority, that's exactly what you do.

If you're worthy of self-care, here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy.  I know that I deserve to have my needs met and that I'm capable of meeting my own needs.  I understand that my life works best when I care for myself first.  I know that the people who love me want me to care for myself and they respect my need and fulfillment of self-care.  I also know that the people who disapprove of my self-care are people who might not be doing self-care themselves and surely don't know their own value and capabilities.  No one requires my giving up my self-care to fulfill their needs.  I trust that people (just like me) have it within themselves to meet their own needs so I meet my needs knowing that doing so puts me at my highest level of health, energy, vitality and productivity.  From that place, I can give so much more for so much longer.  The people I love deserve a happy, healthy, whole me and that's exactly who they get when I put my self-care first." 

Isn't that how you want to live in the world?  

Truth be told, it's the ONLY way to live and really be living.  

Option #2: Do a Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in.  Identify three people you know who have healthy boundaries.  For each person, ask yourself the following questions:

1) How does this person take care of him/herself?

2) What kinds of things does this person do to make him/herself a priority when it comes to self-care?

3) How much does this person still manage to offer and share with others?

4) Do I consider that person selfish?  

When you do the Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in, there are three things you figure out really fast:
1) These individuals are some of the most giving, loving, selfless people you'll ever meet.
2) These individuals take GOOD care of themselves which leads them to take GOOD care of others.
3) These people have an optimistic, grateful approach to life and complain less than other people do (esp. less than those who give and give and give but never make time for themselves).

Getting clear on how you feel about other people who make self-care a priority gives you the freedom to do the same.  It becomes very clear that people who love themselves take care of themselves and there's no guilt in self-love OR self-care. 

Option #3:  Get comfortable with the fact that not everyone's going to like you... and that's okay.  

This is a harder order to fill because we all crave approval.  We seek approval.  It's human to want the pat on the back, the "Job well done!" or the proud nod from your parents.  We all want to hear the people we love and trust most say, "You did good!"  But, sometimes, people use that need for approval as a bargaining chip in the game of life.  Sometimes, people take your need for love and acceptance and use it as a way to control your life.  Here's the sad part: Those people may get their needs met for a short time but it comes at a very high price: the loss of the relationship.  Here's the joyful part: No one can control you unless you let them.  It's up to you to decide that if a few people are mad because you decided to go get a massage rather than babysit their kids, it's OK.  If somebody's upset because you turned down taking on an extra project for them so you could give 100% to your current project load, THEY'LL LIVE.  If somebody's complaining because you're never available for their 3 am relationship drama phone calls because you need to get at least six hours of sleep, they'll find someone else to call (THEY ALWAYS DO). 

Remember: 

You are not the beginning or the end for ANYONE.  Within each person is the ability to meet their own needs.  It is up to you to meet yours and you have the power to do that and the responsibility to do it, whether or not people approve, like or assist you.