5 Ways to Opt Out of Boundary Violation Drama (Read Time: 3 min.)

Some people, no matter how much you talk to them about boundaries (what they are, why they're important, which ones you've set up), just don't get it.  Rather than waste your precious time trying to help someone understand why your boundaries matter, identify who the repeat offenders in your life are and deal with them in a way that lets them be who they and lets you opt out of their drama.

Here's the thing:

Some people will violate boundaries

until the day they die.

There's no point in fighting over your right to have boundaries with people like that.  Your role, when you come across an individual like this, is to opt out of their circular boundary-violating arguments. 

How do you do that?

Here are 7 ways:

1) Stop responding to non-sense.  Whether it's an email, phone call, fax, or text message, when someone has shown you that they have no intention of respecting your boundaries, non-communication is the best way to save your energy, effort and time for things that actually matter.

2) Cut outside commentators off at the pass.  When you use method #1, more than likely, your boundary violator will attempt to triangulate other people into the drama and use them as pawns to communicate with you.  Don't buy into.  The only person you need to have any boundary conversations with is the person who's doing the boundary violation.  Once you decide that this communication is no longer necessary, you owe no one else an explanation or opportunity to offer advice.  When a third party tries to join the drama, simply say, "This matter does not concern you and I will not be discussing it.  What else would you like to talk about?" and stick to that.

3) Enjoy your life anyway.  One of the by-products of boundary drama can be getting caught up in the negativity of it all.  Someone who violates your boundaries probably knows your trigger points or hot buttons.  Their hope is that by pushing a button, they'll get you to do what they want you to do.  Your best way out of that drama is to unplug your triggers and put away your buttons.  You do that best by enjoying your life, despite the drama the boundary violator is stirring up.  The more you enjoy your life, the clearer the message becomes: your boundaries will not be moved.

4) Surround yourself with people who support and care about you.  Most people would think this is a no-brainer but it's so easy to get into a space where you cut out EVERYONE from your life because of the boundary violation of ONE person.  Don't do that.  There are those in your inner circle who love and support you.  Draw closer to them.  Allow those people to nurture you in a time when you're feeling somewhat unsafe.  Keep good people around you and don't take one boundary violator's behavior to mean that no one can be trusted.  Remember: believe people when they show you who they are but don't generalize one person's actions to everybody else. 

5) Trust your boundaries.  One of the hopes of a boundary violator is that you'll get tired with time.  If they pester you enough, bother you enough, insult you enough, your defenses will go down and you will give in.  Don't give anyone that much power over your life. If your boundaries are yours, trust them, adhere to them, and own them.  You do not have to compromise your boundaries to keep peace with anyone.  Those who love and respect you will love and respect your boundaries.  Those who do not are those you do not need in your life.

Remember:

You do not have to participate in boundary violation drama.

Let those people play those games alone...

What to Do When People Don't Get It (Read Time: 3 min.)

Ever try to have a boundary conversation

with someone and they just don't get it?

You say the same things in the nicest way possible and, for the life of them, they can't figure out what's bothering you.  In their minds, nothing about how they interact with you needs to change.

What do you do when the person violating

your boundaries doesn't feel the need to change?

You have three options:
1) Continue wasting your time trying to explain, defend or debate the issue.
2) Dissolve the relationship and let the person go on being their boundary-violating selves with someone else.
3) Teach that person how to treat you in EVERY interaction.

Let's go over each option.

Option #1: Continue wasting your time trying to explain, defend or debate the issue.
This isn't much of an option but most people choose it.  The belief here is that if you "talk" about it enough, the person will eventually understand what your needs are and meet them.  This happens in 10-20% of the cases.  For the amount of time spent talking, you could've met, created, and sustained a much better relationship.  The lesson in this option is figuring out when it's time to talk versus when it's time to act.  If the person you're having this conversation with isn't open to understanding what a boundary is, why it's there and how to honor it, you are wasting your time.  If a person feels that you are simply overreacting, that you need to get over yourself, and that their boundary violation of you is right and proper, you're wasting your time.  The reason so many people use this option is three-fold:
1) They don't have the guts to end a relationship they know is sucking the life out of them.
2) They long for the other person to honor their boundaries as a way of showing love and care (not realizing that the person is violating the boundary not because he/she doesn't love them but because the violator doesn't have the capacity to understand that boundaries increase intimacy, not decrease it)
3) Keeping the boundary violator in play gives this person reason to blame "them" for how they feel about life.  If people are always violating your boundaries and you find yourself unhappy in your life, what better way to explain your unhappiness than the fact that you have people walking all over you? 

Option #2: Dissolve the relationship and let the person go on being their boundary violating selves with someone else.
This is a tough option and one that you take if all else fails.  More than that, just because you cut someone out of your life doesn't mean you've cut out the impact of their behavior on your spirit.  It's not a person you want to cut out; it's a boundary-violating behavior.  Dissolving the relationship only happens when you've repeatedly asked to be treated in a certain way and that person has made it very clear that he or she has no intentions of changing.  In this case, when no compromise can be made, you have to ask yourself, "Am I willing to be treated this way just to keep this person in my life?"  If your answer is yes, find ways to cope with their behavior.  If your answer is no, have one concise, conscious, clear communication with them (face-to-face is preferred) where you tell the person why they are leaving your life.  Give them five minutes to talk and that's it.  Let the rest go.  You've been on this merry-go-round before.  Nothing's going to change if the person doesn't see the need for change.

Option #3: Teach the person how to treat you in EVERY interaction. 

By far, this is the most effective and hardest option to implement.  In order to go through with this option, you have to be spiritually at your best BEFORE every interaction with this person.  It's going to take you being at your highest level of self esteem to be in the presence of a boundary violator but not succumb to the violation.  With this option, the person can be who he or she is but the moment that it violates your boundaries, you clearly, concisely state it, request a change, and end the conversation if change doesn't occur.  You don't have to take it personally and if that person gets offended because you draw a line, let them.  This is about how you will and won't be treated.  In order to remain in your presence, that person will need to comply.  In this option, you don't end the relationship.  You simply end the encounter if the person chooses not to meet you where you are.  Again, what makes this option tough is the fact that you have to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to not take the person's behavior personally.  You have to stay focused on holding to your boundary, not deciphering the other person's motives.  As long as you can do that, you'll find this to be a very empowering approach. 

At the end of the day, there will be those who won't get it.  They don't respect their own boundaries and have no clue how to respect others.  Remember one thing: you are not a sacrificial lamb.  Teach people how to treat you but never at the expense of your own soul.  You will quickly find that doing so is a total and complete waste of time. 

One Healthy Boundary Rule MOST Parents Don't Teach Their Children (Read Time: 2 min.)

Growing up, my parents taught me alot of things.  They taught me to work hard for what I want, to dream big, to get an education, to play in mud (mom) or to not play in mud and get my dress dirty (dad) and so many other things that my memory can no longer recall.  One of the key underpinnings of all of these "lessons" lay in the concept of being "good", i.e. appropriate and socially acceptable. 

As a parent, I watch my 14, 7 and 5 year old and notice how strikingly different their generation is from mine.  Burps without putting their mouths over their hands, farts at the dinner table, asking for a personal website at 5 (yes, 5) and so many other things that had I done that at their age, would've seemed completely out of line.

The consciousness of the world is changing.  Now I still tell my children "Cover your mouth when you burp" and I still say "Don't fart at the table" but the other thing I tell them (that my parents never told me and that most parents still don't tell their kids) is one of the most important healthy boundary rules you can know:

You are free to say yes or no to anyone or anything. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, in 'The Four Agreements', said it best when he talked about the third Agreement (Don't Make Assumptions):

"Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. 

Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask."

When was the last time you told your children

that they have a voice and can say yes or no at will? 

Have that conversation tonight...

How Available Are You For Intimacy? (Read Time: 4 min.)

January is the #1 month for filing divorce.  It's the start of a new year, people have ended the holidays on a seemingly happy note, and all of those unhappily married people who are tired of pretending now have the wherewithal to take action.  But long before that day in January came, long before you initiated divorce proceedings, there were signs in the marriage that the foundation was crumbling. 

You didn't want to see it or believe it but it was there. 

When a marriage ends, it's usually a long time after the intimacy boundaries have been violated.  And here's the question:

How available are you for intimacy?

I'm not talking about sex or dating or romance.  All of that is superficial icing on a very thick cake.  Being available for intimacy is about being willing to be seen, fully, completely, in the nakedness of who you truly are, flaws and all.  It's being able to allow a person into your private space, knowing they may not behave or act exactly the way you want them to.  It's about giving in to a feeling of vulnerability, ecstasy and joy that doesn't require that you give back but makes you want to give more.  Can you embrace someone in a way that lets them in with 100% access without having to guard yourself or hide behind emotional walls? 

Being available requires a level of risk, the ability to dive into something you have no idea how to swim out of.  It's about stepping on the holy ground of someone's soul and trusting that you won't injure the most sacred parts of that person.  It's about knowing that you can see someone's shadow and not run away. 

Can you do that?

Can you show up for your partner in a way that's pure, whole and available?
Can you notice and acknowledge the things that your partner does right, even if you feel like slamming him/her for the things that person did wrong?
Can someone confess their errors, flaws and mistakes to you without you rubbing it in their face?
Can someone hurt you and you not throw an emotional dagger back at them?

Can you do that?

Because if you aren't able to be emotionally available to your partner in a way that is real, open and unconditional, you're headed for a fork in the road: you'll have to choose between closing up or letting in.  And whatever you don't feel and heal in this relationship will follow you into the next. 

Rage, resentment, anger, the cold shoulder, sarcasm, criticism, judgment, and emotional/sexual infidelity are all boundary violations.  They can crucify a relationship.  Don't believe people when they put you down in one breath and lift you up in another.  Pay attention to how your physical body responds when the person who says "I love you" is also the person who shows you how "not good enough" you really are.  When someone crosses your boundary, you feel it.  When someone emotionally violates you, it ripples through your soul.  Do not put the blinders of affection over a very deep wound.  There is no amount of affection anyone can give you to compensate for emotionally slaughtering your self esteem.

When an intimacy boundary violation occurs, you must address it.

The answer to these types of boundary violations are three words:

• Ask
• Give
• Trust

1) Ask: Ask to have your needs met in the relationship and don't apologize for deserving the best.  When you ask, it's not a whiny, begging type of asking.  It's a "This is what I need.  I deserve this much.  Can you do that?"  If the answer is 'No', wish that person the best and move on.  If the answer is 'Yes', embrace the opportunity without looking for "the catch."

2) Give: Give your all to the relationship, regardless of whether or not, in this moment, you feel your partner "deserves" that.  I once read a book that said, "When your partner deserves your love the least is when he/she needs it the most."  Remember that as you give.  Unconditional love means loving without stipulation.  If your love has strings, it's a contract, not a covenant.
3) Trust: Trust that every encounter is a holy one, that things work together for good and that your role in this person's life is magnified by the entire experience of each other.  The good, the bad and the ugly all work together to create the opportunity to learn what only you two could teach each other.  Trust yourself to know when too many violations have occurred, when the lessons have been learned, and when it's time to move on from the relationship.  Trust yourself to see the truth, even when what you're hearing speaks against it.  Trust yourself to know when "enough is enough" and don't second-guess your leaving of any relationship.  When it works, it works.  When it's over, it's over.  Trust yourself enough to know that you'll be guided when those moments come.

Last but not least, remember that you teach people how to treat you and be as mindful of how you treat your partner as you are of how he or she treats you. 

The goal is not to have real love

but to experience intimacy in real life.