How Available Are You For Intimacy? (Read Time: 4 min.)

January is the #1 month for filing divorce.  It's the start of a new year, people have ended the holidays on a seemingly happy note, and all of those unhappily married people who are tired of pretending now have the wherewithal to take action.  But long before that day in January came, long before you initiated divorce proceedings, there were signs in the marriage that the foundation was crumbling. 

You didn't want to see it or believe it but it was there. 

When a marriage ends, it's usually a long time after the intimacy boundaries have been violated.  And here's the question:

How available are you for intimacy?

I'm not talking about sex or dating or romance.  All of that is superficial icing on a very thick cake.  Being available for intimacy is about being willing to be seen, fully, completely, in the nakedness of who you truly are, flaws and all.  It's being able to allow a person into your private space, knowing they may not behave or act exactly the way you want them to.  It's about giving in to a feeling of vulnerability, ecstasy and joy that doesn't require that you give back but makes you want to give more.  Can you embrace someone in a way that lets them in with 100% access without having to guard yourself or hide behind emotional walls? 

Being available requires a level of risk, the ability to dive into something you have no idea how to swim out of.  It's about stepping on the holy ground of someone's soul and trusting that you won't injure the most sacred parts of that person.  It's about knowing that you can see someone's shadow and not run away. 

Can you do that?

Can you show up for your partner in a way that's pure, whole and available?
Can you notice and acknowledge the things that your partner does right, even if you feel like slamming him/her for the things that person did wrong?
Can someone confess their errors, flaws and mistakes to you without you rubbing it in their face?
Can someone hurt you and you not throw an emotional dagger back at them?

Can you do that?

Because if you aren't able to be emotionally available to your partner in a way that is real, open and unconditional, you're headed for a fork in the road: you'll have to choose between closing up or letting in.  And whatever you don't feel and heal in this relationship will follow you into the next. 

Rage, resentment, anger, the cold shoulder, sarcasm, criticism, judgment, and emotional/sexual infidelity are all boundary violations.  They can crucify a relationship.  Don't believe people when they put you down in one breath and lift you up in another.  Pay attention to how your physical body responds when the person who says "I love you" is also the person who shows you how "not good enough" you really are.  When someone crosses your boundary, you feel it.  When someone emotionally violates you, it ripples through your soul.  Do not put the blinders of affection over a very deep wound.  There is no amount of affection anyone can give you to compensate for emotionally slaughtering your self esteem.

When an intimacy boundary violation occurs, you must address it.

The answer to these types of boundary violations are three words:

• Ask
• Give
• Trust

1) Ask: Ask to have your needs met in the relationship and don't apologize for deserving the best.  When you ask, it's not a whiny, begging type of asking.  It's a "This is what I need.  I deserve this much.  Can you do that?"  If the answer is 'No', wish that person the best and move on.  If the answer is 'Yes', embrace the opportunity without looking for "the catch."

2) Give: Give your all to the relationship, regardless of whether or not, in this moment, you feel your partner "deserves" that.  I once read a book that said, "When your partner deserves your love the least is when he/she needs it the most."  Remember that as you give.  Unconditional love means loving without stipulation.  If your love has strings, it's a contract, not a covenant.
3) Trust: Trust that every encounter is a holy one, that things work together for good and that your role in this person's life is magnified by the entire experience of each other.  The good, the bad and the ugly all work together to create the opportunity to learn what only you two could teach each other.  Trust yourself to know when too many violations have occurred, when the lessons have been learned, and when it's time to move on from the relationship.  Trust yourself to see the truth, even when what you're hearing speaks against it.  Trust yourself to know when "enough is enough" and don't second-guess your leaving of any relationship.  When it works, it works.  When it's over, it's over.  Trust yourself enough to know that you'll be guided when those moments come.

Last but not least, remember that you teach people how to treat you and be as mindful of how you treat your partner as you are of how he or she treats you. 

The goal is not to have real love

but to experience intimacy in real life.