What to Do When People Don't Get It (Read Time: 3 min.)

Ever try to have a boundary conversation

with someone and they just don't get it?

You say the same things in the nicest way possible and, for the life of them, they can't figure out what's bothering you.  In their minds, nothing about how they interact with you needs to change.

What do you do when the person violating

your boundaries doesn't feel the need to change?

You have three options:
1) Continue wasting your time trying to explain, defend or debate the issue.
2) Dissolve the relationship and let the person go on being their boundary-violating selves with someone else.
3) Teach that person how to treat you in EVERY interaction.

Let's go over each option.

Option #1: Continue wasting your time trying to explain, defend or debate the issue.
This isn't much of an option but most people choose it.  The belief here is that if you "talk" about it enough, the person will eventually understand what your needs are and meet them.  This happens in 10-20% of the cases.  For the amount of time spent talking, you could've met, created, and sustained a much better relationship.  The lesson in this option is figuring out when it's time to talk versus when it's time to act.  If the person you're having this conversation with isn't open to understanding what a boundary is, why it's there and how to honor it, you are wasting your time.  If a person feels that you are simply overreacting, that you need to get over yourself, and that their boundary violation of you is right and proper, you're wasting your time.  The reason so many people use this option is three-fold:
1) They don't have the guts to end a relationship they know is sucking the life out of them.
2) They long for the other person to honor their boundaries as a way of showing love and care (not realizing that the person is violating the boundary not because he/she doesn't love them but because the violator doesn't have the capacity to understand that boundaries increase intimacy, not decrease it)
3) Keeping the boundary violator in play gives this person reason to blame "them" for how they feel about life.  If people are always violating your boundaries and you find yourself unhappy in your life, what better way to explain your unhappiness than the fact that you have people walking all over you? 

Option #2: Dissolve the relationship and let the person go on being their boundary violating selves with someone else.
This is a tough option and one that you take if all else fails.  More than that, just because you cut someone out of your life doesn't mean you've cut out the impact of their behavior on your spirit.  It's not a person you want to cut out; it's a boundary-violating behavior.  Dissolving the relationship only happens when you've repeatedly asked to be treated in a certain way and that person has made it very clear that he or she has no intentions of changing.  In this case, when no compromise can be made, you have to ask yourself, "Am I willing to be treated this way just to keep this person in my life?"  If your answer is yes, find ways to cope with their behavior.  If your answer is no, have one concise, conscious, clear communication with them (face-to-face is preferred) where you tell the person why they are leaving your life.  Give them five minutes to talk and that's it.  Let the rest go.  You've been on this merry-go-round before.  Nothing's going to change if the person doesn't see the need for change.

Option #3: Teach the person how to treat you in EVERY interaction. 

By far, this is the most effective and hardest option to implement.  In order to go through with this option, you have to be spiritually at your best BEFORE every interaction with this person.  It's going to take you being at your highest level of self esteem to be in the presence of a boundary violator but not succumb to the violation.  With this option, the person can be who he or she is but the moment that it violates your boundaries, you clearly, concisely state it, request a change, and end the conversation if change doesn't occur.  You don't have to take it personally and if that person gets offended because you draw a line, let them.  This is about how you will and won't be treated.  In order to remain in your presence, that person will need to comply.  In this option, you don't end the relationship.  You simply end the encounter if the person chooses not to meet you where you are.  Again, what makes this option tough is the fact that you have to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to not take the person's behavior personally.  You have to stay focused on holding to your boundary, not deciphering the other person's motives.  As long as you can do that, you'll find this to be a very empowering approach. 

At the end of the day, there will be those who won't get it.  They don't respect their own boundaries and have no clue how to respect others.  Remember one thing: you are not a sacrificial lamb.  Teach people how to treat you but never at the expense of your own soul.  You will quickly find that doing so is a total and complete waste of time.