Could you be codependent and not even know it? (Read time: 4 min.)

Do you need to be needed?
Is the rescuer in you so strong that you find yourself saving people who continue to need saving or helping people who consistently play the helpless role?
What leads you down the path of martyr or matriarch or knight in shining armor when you'd rather be the leader of your own life?

I've pondered these questions many, many times... and the one answer I continue to come back to is this: boundaries... or lack thereof.

Codependency occurs when one person in a relationship takes on the role of 'rescuer' to another person in the relationship who is participating in some form of destructive behavior.  Whether drugs, alcoholism, food addiction, eating disorder, mental disorder, or some other addiction, the codependent person plays the martyr by covering for the addicted individual, making excuses, rescuing and going beyond the call of duty to 'save' the other person. 

Oftentimes, we think of co-dependents as the "strong" one, the person who holds the family together but what most people don't see is that the co-dependent, in many cases, is actually the weak person, the one who NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to feel alive, the person who doesn't know how to not be needed and feels absolutely worthless if he or she isn't bailing someone out or rescuing.  The co-dependent doesn't trust him/herself and, therefore, doesn't trust the person he/she is working to take care of. 

It's a vicious cycle of needing to be needed followed by resenting not being appreciated followed by being angry about not having a life separate from the person who's needy. 

How does all of this relate to boundaries? 

A co-dependent person doesn't experience true intimacy because he or she is not known in the relationship.  A co-dependent relationship is filled with enmeshment, the blending and blurring of relationship lines to the point where neither person in the relationship knows where one person begins and the other ends.  There are no boundaries in this relationship because to set a boundary would mean, at some point, that the co-dependent person is not completely needed by the "needy" partner in the relationship... and that spells death to the individual whose worth is tied up in being needed.

What's scary about co-dependency is that you might be co-dependent and not even know it.  Here are a few signs of co-dependency (takent from (http://www.nmha.org/go/codependencyCo-dependents):

1. Taking on a great deal of responsibility for the behaviors and outcomes of others
2. Confusing love and pity to the point of "loving" people to the point of bailing them out
3. A deep need to be in a relationship, whether the relationship is good or bad
4. A longing for approval and appreciation that rarely gets met in this relationship
5. Feelings of guilt when saying no or setting appropriate boundaries
6. Lack of intimacy
7. A constant undercurrent of anger raging underneathe the surface
8. Poor communication skills
9. Uncertainty and difficulty making decisions

It might take a long time to see that boundary violation is their norm (and not the exception).  If you find yourself constantly bailing people out or rescuing key individuals in your life, understand this about your boundaries:

• you are more accustomed to having permeable or loose boundaries than you are firm boundaries and any time you set a clear boundary, you'll feel a sense of fear, uncertainty and shame
• boundary violations go unnoticed because the nature of the co-dependent relationship is to consistently cross or violate boundaries
• the loneliness you feel in the relationship (the sense that says "I'm sick of being the one in charge of everything, doing everything, compensating for everything and barely getting noticed") exists because what you have is a relationship but not a partnership; a co-dependent person is not known and, therefore, there is no intimacy
• your first step in moving from an unhealthy to a healthy self comes in your ability to find peace in being alone but not lonely; there is no relationship that you absolutely must have.  When you can exist without a relationship and find joy and peace on your own, you have established a sense of fulfillment with the need to rescue or save someone else
• at the end of the day, there's a limit to the amount of rescuing you can do; at some point, you will either resent to the point of hatred or love to the point of despair; no amount of need can make up for your not being able to lean on and be taken care of by someone else

The co-dependent person is not known.  If what you want is a true partnership, an enchanted love, a relationship where you are seen, heard, and felt, co-dependency cannot exist.  At some point, we all must learn that we are worthy of love, not because of what we give but because of who we are...

Finding Your Voice is Scary... (Read Time: 2 min.)

Remember when it was difficult to ask for what you want, when having your needs met felt more like a wish than a request, when saying 'No' seemed like a mortal sin and saying yes the natural response? 

Do you remember the first time you got up enough courage to speak your truth, to look someone in the eye and speak with certainty and unequivocal power? 

What about the days since then?  How have you kept your voice in tact?  Or did you fall back into the pattern of nodding, bowing, and “letting things go.” 

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” 

How true that is and, yet, how often do we go silent to avoid rocking the boat, ruffling feathers or, worse, to “keep peace.”  Guess what?  Peace never has to be kept.  It simply has to be embraced. 

The truth of the matter is this:

Finding your voice is scary.

The moment you begin to ask to have your needs met, you open yourself up to all kinds of rejection, conflict and grief.  There’s no sugar coating the truth: when you move from people pleaser to autonomous being people get uncomfortable.  You’ve changed and, possibly, they haven’t.  You’re speaking things they may not want to hear.  You’re doing things and going places they may not be able to follow you to.  It’s a crack in the foundation of what they’ve known to be their relationship with you… and those people will fight your empowerment for a long, long time… at least until they find their own… if they find their own.

Here are some things you have to remember about finding your voice:

·        Only you can find it

·        It’s up to you to own it

·        You must be careful not to repress it

·        Your life will work best when you wield it like a crown rather than a sword

·        Everything you say has power and everything you fail to say has meaning

·        You get one chance to say in one moment what needs to be said; use it or lose it

·        Think before you speak and trust when you talk; that way, you never have to apologize for having said the wrong thing in the wrong way to the wrong person

·        When you talk, listen

·        When you listen, hear

·        When you hear, trust

·        When you trust, say what’s so