What I'm referring to are the ways in which society sends these subtle messages of "You don't deserve to have your time valued or respected." For example, when a boss sends you an email request for a project THREE MINUTES before you're heading out of work to go pick up your kids AND expects you to complete the project before you leave for the day, what boundary message are you getting? Yup, "Your boundaries don't matter. I need what I need now." When your father, knowing that you have two birthday parties to plan, a graduate class to finish and a spouse who's at home in bed sick asks you to "stop by" to help him with something, what's the message you're being sent? Yup, "My needs are more important than yours and even if you're overwhelmed, I want you to stop and take care of this for me."
At what point does the insanity stop?
When you say so...
Here's the thing I want you to understand about creating AND keeping healthy boundaries. It's not popular. You won't get a lot of applause or praise for doing it. In fact, many people will turn their noses at you, will consider you less of a person, less of an employee, or less of a friend... in the short run. That will occur until you've sent the clear message that your creating AND keeping healthy boundaries is how it's going to go for a lifetime. Once the people in your life get that message, they either respect it or find someone else's boundaries to bend. Either way, all of this healthy boundary creation begins with you understanding the reality of what's going to happen once you set this wheel in motion.
When you start to set and keep healthy boundaries, here are some initial reactions you'll get:
1. Push back- people will insist, nag and cross-examine your lack of availability to meet their needs
2. Criticism- people will question your motives, whether or not you "care", or make your boundaries about their emotional baggage and ask you why you aren't who you used to be and when you're going to become that person again
3. Blame- people will point the finger at you and blame their lack of success because of your abundance of boundaries.
4. Guilt- those who've bent your boundaries for a long time will try to put a guilt trip on you as a means of getting you to resume your doormat role
5. Decrease in perceived performance- Specifically at work, when you stop killing yourself to please your boss, it will appear, at the onset, that you aren't working "as hard" or "as long" and guess what? That's a perception. Yes, you aren't working 75 hours and causing havoc in your marriage. Yes, you aren't staying late and missing your daughter's recital. Yes, you are saying 'No' to projects and responsibilities that are not your own. But what you are doing is creating space in your life to have harmony in all areas of your life so you can show up to work without resentment, fatigue, or dissatisfaction. You're becoming the employee who gives ALL he or she has to ALL he or she does while at work and you have enough of you left over to be satisfied with your performance and to continue to contribute to the company. If you work for a firm that doesn't appreciate or respect your boundaries (a company that requires you to be the workhorse in order to make ends meet), guess what? It's time to get some courage and find another job.
None of the things you'll experience when you create and keep healthy boundaries is easy. None of it. I'd be lying to you if I said you won't lose friends along the way. The people who use you will leave your life when you no longer allow that. But what unfolds, upon the creation and maintenance of healthy boundaries, is a level of living that's courageous, authentic, brave, and bold. You weren't born to shrink. You were birthed to rise.
Keep it moving!
