Stop Waiting For People to Read Your Mind (Read Time: 4 Min.)

Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes.  They exist for all situations, circumstances and people.  One of the biggest boundary violations you will ever cross (but might never see) is the boundary violation we call unreasonable expectations.  When you hold unreasonable expectations of others, you create unhealthy boundaries.  Why?

Because you hold to the belief that someone else is required to be to you what they are not responsible to be FOR you and it skews the lines of contact. 

When you live in such a way that you expect other people to read your mind, you hold yourself in a position to be constantly misunderstood.  It is no one else's job to ensure that your needs are communicated but yours.  You are the person who has to speak your truth.  That is not a responsibility that can be outsourced.  And, yet, so many people expect that those closest to them will master the art of mind reading and do their spiritual lifting for them.  That will not work.

The reality is this: everybody has their own emotional baggage to carry and there isn't life enough for one person to carry yours.  Most people are so wrapped up in their own internal work that they barely have time to take a guess at yours.  When you expect others to know what you feel, what you think and what you need, you set an unhealthy boundary in the relationship that says: "I need you to do my work for me."  You hold these individuals to unusually high expectations and, after a while, they stop trying to meet even your most basic needs.  Your rigid requirements for connection lead to estrangement which severs ties and kills intimacy.

If you are the kind of person who has trouble sharing what you feel or asking for what you need, you are creating unhealthy boundaries that reduce intimacy, create distance, and solidify loneliness.  You'll know if you're doing the mind reading boundary violation.  Here are some tell-tale signs:

1. You make back-handed comments like, "I thought you would've handled that by now." 
2. You don't share how you feel or what you need but feel resentful that the other person didn't "get" it.
3. You insist upon doing everything yourself but also choose to gripe about it later.
4. You don't ask for help as a way of showing everyone that you can handle anything on your own (even though you secretly wish they'd see how much you'd love and appreciate their help). 
5.  You play the martyr, the victim or Mr./Miss Independent but tell the story of how this person and that person let you down.

Like I said, you'll know if you do this mind reading boundary violation thing.

If you do this, you might be asking yourself, "How do I stop?"

Here are three ways:

1) Own your feelings by communicating them concisely, consciously and clearly.  Start with: "I need..." or "Where I'm coming from is..." or "What I need your help with is..." or "What would really save me time would be for you to..."  Be direct and let the other person know where you are, what you need and how he/she can help... and then give that person the freedom and room to say yes or no without you judging them.

2) Stop playing victim when you take on too much.  The "I'm so independent I never need anybody's help" mantra is a secret way of playing the victim without looking the victim.  Own the fact that you're afraid to ask for help.  Own the fact that you don't want to lean on someone else for fear that they might not be able to hold you.  If you're going to be independent, be independent but don't play indestructible when you know it's simply you're way of feeling justified about feeling angry that no one's reading your mind.

3)  Ask others how they feel and what they need on a regular basis.  If you expect other people to read your mind, it could also be that they are expecting you to read theirs in return.  Stop the non-sense on both sides by taking "check-in" time where you ask the people closest to you how they feel, what they need, and if there's anything you can do to support them.  Not only will you eliminate the mind reading boundary violation but you'll increase the level of connection and intimacy by showing that you care.

How to Nurture the Wounded Child Within (Read Time: 3 min.)

When was the last time you nurtured your inner child?

Within each of us lives an inner child, a younger version of ourselves, a part of who we are that was forged in what had been, a little person who tends to carry a lot of baggage.  Children weren't meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and, yet, the wounded inner child does.  Created from a past it cannot change and stuck in patterns it does not know how to heal, the wounded inner child cries out to an inner parent who barely listens... us.

When was the last time you spoke to your inner child?  

When was the last time you told her how precious she was in your sight, how wonderful her presence is in your life, how safe she is in your care?  

Or do you pretend that your inner child is better seen and not heard, that your inner child is a "weak" part of you that you do not need to acknowledge?  

Do you live in a head space where you say to yourself, "My inner child is a waste of time and nothing more than a memory of the horror I have lived?"  

If that is the case, let me give you a wake up call:

Your inner child is NOT your trauma. 

He/she is the gift that arose from it.

Sometimes our inner child throws a tantrum in our lives and we don't even know it.  However, one of the biggest signs that your inner child is having a fit comes in the form of unhealthy boundaries.  A wounded inner child doesn't know how to draw the line.  In fact, a wounded inner child is so traumatized by a past where there were no lines that he or she lives inside of you always on the verge of fight or flight.  A wounded inner child does not know how to garner peace because his assumption is that, at any moment, chaos will return.

When unhealthy boundaries guide your life and your wounded child exists without your nurturing, a few things begin to happen:

• You drown yourself in an addiction to avoid facing the reality of your wounded child's pain.  Your addiction might be work, exercise, food, drugs, alcohol, being needed, or other people or any combination of the things just listed but it is your drug of choice; it's how you self-medicate that wounded child so you don't have to hear how loud his cries are.
• You criticize yourself incessantly and second guess every move you make.  You set up a boundary and then tear it down.  You try to establish an intimacy line and then let another person walk all over it.  You don't trust yourself long enough or deep enough to make a decision and stick to it... and then you criticize yourself again for not being the kind of person who stands her ground.
• You are cruel to yourself and subtle and overt ways.  You talk to yourself with disregard.  You tell stories about yourself that are self-deprecating.  You focus people's attentions on your faults rather than your brilliance.  You hide behind a facade of inability and blandness just so you can feel safe with being "ordinary."

These are just a few of the ways that your wounded inner child keeps you from setting healthy boundaries.  Now you might ask "Why?  Why would I put myself through this?  Why would I allow my wounded inner child to run the show?  Why would I let past trauma keep me from creating AND keeping the healthy boundaries I say I want?"  Let me tell you why.

Your wounded inner child is deathly afraid to be wrong, so certain that he's not good enough, that nothing she does will ever make her worthy that this child is more comfortable fighting and begging and working to death than accepting the love that's being handed to it on a silver platter.  What this child knows is how to spend her life fighting for the right to be alive spiritually, psychically and physically because that is the only "safe" way this child knows how to ask for love from people and a past who gave nothing but criticism, abuse, and pain.  This wounded child's comfort zone is a place called "unacceptable" in a land called "not enough" and the more she fights, the more in her comfort zone she stays. 

Your wounded inner child doesn't know what to do with unconditional love.  He doesn't know how to handle positive self regard.  How do you handle a level of nurturing no one's ever given you... without strings attached?  You see, this little boy wants to be ready for the blow before it strikes.  This inner little girl wants to meet the next criticism with proof that she deserves to be criticized.  That inner child of yours knows the standard of pain that could occur and she'd rather live in a painful past than hope for a loving future that may never come.  Nurturing is unsafe for a wounded child who fears getting tricked into joy only to be served up with pain.

How do nurture an inner child who doesn't trust your ability to love unconditionally, a child who doesn't believe that you can be the parent he or she needs because, to be honest, you've never been that inner parent before?  How do you get your inner child to stop throwing tantrums in your soul so you now have the power to create healthy boundaries in your life? 

You do three things (none of which come easily or quickly):

1) Accept your wounded inner child EXACTLY as she is.
2) Be kind to yourself in EVERY way, especially in the hard moments of life where your shame level is high and your love level is low.
3) Make daily choices about how you will show and give love to yourself and follow through EVERY time.

Would you like a more detailed, step-by-step guide on the process of nurturing your wounded inner child?  Pick up your copy of The Healthy Boundary Master Class and listen to the BONUS audio called The 7 Practices of a Loving Inner Parent to a Wounded Inner Child.  It will transform your inner and outer world...

Why "Responsible" People Have Irresponsible Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

How do responsible people develop irresponsible boundaries?

Let me give you an example.  Jim is married to Laura who (no matter how many financial conversations they've had) never balances her checkbook, doesn't know what's in their joint account, and has caused them serious amounts of overdraft.  Laura spends like there's no tomorrow, keeps it a secret from Jim, and apologizes later... EVERY single time.

So what does Jim do?

Being the stand-up guy he is, Jim checks behind Laura's every financial move, has the bank send him text messages any time money's been taken out of the account, rushes to the bank to deposit money when Laura's spent too much, calls the stores and deals with the credit card companies to repay the debt Laura's racked up, budgets like a CPA, saves money in a separate account so the household budget is maintained, does the taxes, handles most of the big financial decisions, and lectures Laura on a daily basis about how her financial irresponsibility has got to change.

What's the problem with this picture?

James is the dad and Laura is the disobedient child and, last time I checked, no woman wants to sleep with her dad and no man wants to be married to his child so this couple is in a position of boundary crazymaking: James is the overfunctioning co-dependent and Laura is the crazymaker egotist or borderline.  But the pattern belongs to BOTH of them.

And here's the deal: most people's first reaction is to blame the crazymaker and applaud the "responsible."  Here's the problem with that: it takes two to tango.  Both need help in creating AND keeping healthy boundaries if this relationship is going to survive let alone thrive.

Responsible people oftentimes live very irresponsible lives.  They learn early that over-functioning leads to perfection when it doesn't.  They take on other people's baggage as a way of feeling needed, come to the rescue as a means of validating their existence, and seek to control situations, people, and opportunities which is really none of their business.

Yes, responsible people mean well but when their over-functioning leads them to overwhelm, resentment, and self-hate which leaves them with loads of criticism and very few healthy boundaries. 

So if you're one of those "responsible" people with irresponsible boundaries, what do you do?

Here are three places to start:

1) Stop the over-functioning.  You are GOOD ENOUGH exactly as you are.  You do not have to compensate for other people's non-sense.  The moment you draw a line in the sand and say, "No, I will not make up for your sloppiness in this house.  Clean up your own mess" or "No, I will not drop everything I'm doing because you decided to procrastinate and not handle your business" is the moment you stop indulging another person in crazymaking and begin to take your power back.  Start to live by a VERY important saying:  

Poor planning on YOUR part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

2) Get to the bottom of why you feel the need to be so needed.  Over-functioning people tend to have this sense that if they aren't in super rescue mode all of the time, people will forget, abandon, or reject them.  They see themselves as having use value only in what they can do FOR other people and not what they mean TO other people.  At the end of the day, it comes down to self worth.  What is your self worth?  How do you define it?  If you could do nothing for anyone,would you still be worthy of love, respect, and care?  That's the place you need to go to.  It isn't fun or pretty but once you get to the heart of those questions, you'll have a very clear sense of where you learned that your being "responsible" was a requirement to you being loved.

3) Stop fixing people.  NO ONE, no matter how crazymaker or irresponsible they are, needs to be fixed because no one is broken.  You weren't built to be broken and neither was your drama-filled sister.  You are not a broken vase that needs to be put back together or reconstructed and neither is your less-than-perfect spouse.  When you understand that people are whole exactly as they are and you accept the fact that flaws come with being human and the quest is not to fix the flaws but to embrace them, you will let go of a lot of baggage tied to being perfect and to requiring that everyone else around you be perfect as well.  Perfect sucks and when you can get to the place where you no longer criticize yourself or others for not being what they were never meant to be, you'll let the over-functioning non-sense go.

Alright, it's up to you.  Either you want healthy boundaries and happiness more than you want to control and take charge or you want the title of "RESPONSIBLE" more than you want to experience joy and peace.  Your choice...