Stop Waiting For People to Read Your Mind (Read Time: 4 Min.)

Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes.  They exist for all situations, circumstances and people.  One of the biggest boundary violations you will ever cross (but might never see) is the boundary violation we call unreasonable expectations.  When you hold unreasonable expectations of others, you create unhealthy boundaries.  Why?

Because you hold to the belief that someone else is required to be to you what they are not responsible to be FOR you and it skews the lines of contact. 

When you live in such a way that you expect other people to read your mind, you hold yourself in a position to be constantly misunderstood.  It is no one else's job to ensure that your needs are communicated but yours.  You are the person who has to speak your truth.  That is not a responsibility that can be outsourced.  And, yet, so many people expect that those closest to them will master the art of mind reading and do their spiritual lifting for them.  That will not work.

The reality is this: everybody has their own emotional baggage to carry and there isn't life enough for one person to carry yours.  Most people are so wrapped up in their own internal work that they barely have time to take a guess at yours.  When you expect others to know what you feel, what you think and what you need, you set an unhealthy boundary in the relationship that says: "I need you to do my work for me."  You hold these individuals to unusually high expectations and, after a while, they stop trying to meet even your most basic needs.  Your rigid requirements for connection lead to estrangement which severs ties and kills intimacy.

If you are the kind of person who has trouble sharing what you feel or asking for what you need, you are creating unhealthy boundaries that reduce intimacy, create distance, and solidify loneliness.  You'll know if you're doing the mind reading boundary violation.  Here are some tell-tale signs:

1. You make back-handed comments like, "I thought you would've handled that by now." 
2. You don't share how you feel or what you need but feel resentful that the other person didn't "get" it.
3. You insist upon doing everything yourself but also choose to gripe about it later.
4. You don't ask for help as a way of showing everyone that you can handle anything on your own (even though you secretly wish they'd see how much you'd love and appreciate their help). 
5.  You play the martyr, the victim or Mr./Miss Independent but tell the story of how this person and that person let you down.

Like I said, you'll know if you do this mind reading boundary violation thing.

If you do this, you might be asking yourself, "How do I stop?"

Here are three ways:

1) Own your feelings by communicating them concisely, consciously and clearly.  Start with: "I need..." or "Where I'm coming from is..." or "What I need your help with is..." or "What would really save me time would be for you to..."  Be direct and let the other person know where you are, what you need and how he/she can help... and then give that person the freedom and room to say yes or no without you judging them.

2) Stop playing victim when you take on too much.  The "I'm so independent I never need anybody's help" mantra is a secret way of playing the victim without looking the victim.  Own the fact that you're afraid to ask for help.  Own the fact that you don't want to lean on someone else for fear that they might not be able to hold you.  If you're going to be independent, be independent but don't play indestructible when you know it's simply you're way of feeling justified about feeling angry that no one's reading your mind.

3)  Ask others how they feel and what they need on a regular basis.  If you expect other people to read your mind, it could also be that they are expecting you to read theirs in return.  Stop the non-sense on both sides by taking "check-in" time where you ask the people closest to you how they feel, what they need, and if there's anything you can do to support them.  Not only will you eliminate the mind reading boundary violation but you'll increase the level of connection and intimacy by showing that you care.