How to Nurture the Wounded Child Within (Read Time: 3 min.)

When was the last time you nurtured your inner child?

Within each of us lives an inner child, a younger version of ourselves, a part of who we are that was forged in what had been, a little person who tends to carry a lot of baggage.  Children weren't meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and, yet, the wounded inner child does.  Created from a past it cannot change and stuck in patterns it does not know how to heal, the wounded inner child cries out to an inner parent who barely listens... us.

When was the last time you spoke to your inner child?  

When was the last time you told her how precious she was in your sight, how wonderful her presence is in your life, how safe she is in your care?  

Or do you pretend that your inner child is better seen and not heard, that your inner child is a "weak" part of you that you do not need to acknowledge?  

Do you live in a head space where you say to yourself, "My inner child is a waste of time and nothing more than a memory of the horror I have lived?"  

If that is the case, let me give you a wake up call:

Your inner child is NOT your trauma. 

He/she is the gift that arose from it.

Sometimes our inner child throws a tantrum in our lives and we don't even know it.  However, one of the biggest signs that your inner child is having a fit comes in the form of unhealthy boundaries.  A wounded inner child doesn't know how to draw the line.  In fact, a wounded inner child is so traumatized by a past where there were no lines that he or she lives inside of you always on the verge of fight or flight.  A wounded inner child does not know how to garner peace because his assumption is that, at any moment, chaos will return.

When unhealthy boundaries guide your life and your wounded child exists without your nurturing, a few things begin to happen:

• You drown yourself in an addiction to avoid facing the reality of your wounded child's pain.  Your addiction might be work, exercise, food, drugs, alcohol, being needed, or other people or any combination of the things just listed but it is your drug of choice; it's how you self-medicate that wounded child so you don't have to hear how loud his cries are.
• You criticize yourself incessantly and second guess every move you make.  You set up a boundary and then tear it down.  You try to establish an intimacy line and then let another person walk all over it.  You don't trust yourself long enough or deep enough to make a decision and stick to it... and then you criticize yourself again for not being the kind of person who stands her ground.
• You are cruel to yourself and subtle and overt ways.  You talk to yourself with disregard.  You tell stories about yourself that are self-deprecating.  You focus people's attentions on your faults rather than your brilliance.  You hide behind a facade of inability and blandness just so you can feel safe with being "ordinary."

These are just a few of the ways that your wounded inner child keeps you from setting healthy boundaries.  Now you might ask "Why?  Why would I put myself through this?  Why would I allow my wounded inner child to run the show?  Why would I let past trauma keep me from creating AND keeping the healthy boundaries I say I want?"  Let me tell you why.

Your wounded inner child is deathly afraid to be wrong, so certain that he's not good enough, that nothing she does will ever make her worthy that this child is more comfortable fighting and begging and working to death than accepting the love that's being handed to it on a silver platter.  What this child knows is how to spend her life fighting for the right to be alive spiritually, psychically and physically because that is the only "safe" way this child knows how to ask for love from people and a past who gave nothing but criticism, abuse, and pain.  This wounded child's comfort zone is a place called "unacceptable" in a land called "not enough" and the more she fights, the more in her comfort zone she stays. 

Your wounded inner child doesn't know what to do with unconditional love.  He doesn't know how to handle positive self regard.  How do you handle a level of nurturing no one's ever given you... without strings attached?  You see, this little boy wants to be ready for the blow before it strikes.  This inner little girl wants to meet the next criticism with proof that she deserves to be criticized.  That inner child of yours knows the standard of pain that could occur and she'd rather live in a painful past than hope for a loving future that may never come.  Nurturing is unsafe for a wounded child who fears getting tricked into joy only to be served up with pain.

How do nurture an inner child who doesn't trust your ability to love unconditionally, a child who doesn't believe that you can be the parent he or she needs because, to be honest, you've never been that inner parent before?  How do you get your inner child to stop throwing tantrums in your soul so you now have the power to create healthy boundaries in your life? 

You do three things (none of which come easily or quickly):

1) Accept your wounded inner child EXACTLY as she is.
2) Be kind to yourself in EVERY way, especially in the hard moments of life where your shame level is high and your love level is low.
3) Make daily choices about how you will show and give love to yourself and follow through EVERY time.

Would you like a more detailed, step-by-step guide on the process of nurturing your wounded inner child?  Pick up your copy of The Healthy Boundary Master Class and listen to the BONUS audio called The 7 Practices of a Loving Inner Parent to a Wounded Inner Child.  It will transform your inner and outer world...