Why "Responsible" People Have Irresponsible Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

How do responsible people develop irresponsible boundaries?

Let me give you an example.  Jim is married to Laura who (no matter how many financial conversations they've had) never balances her checkbook, doesn't know what's in their joint account, and has caused them serious amounts of overdraft.  Laura spends like there's no tomorrow, keeps it a secret from Jim, and apologizes later... EVERY single time.

So what does Jim do?

Being the stand-up guy he is, Jim checks behind Laura's every financial move, has the bank send him text messages any time money's been taken out of the account, rushes to the bank to deposit money when Laura's spent too much, calls the stores and deals with the credit card companies to repay the debt Laura's racked up, budgets like a CPA, saves money in a separate account so the household budget is maintained, does the taxes, handles most of the big financial decisions, and lectures Laura on a daily basis about how her financial irresponsibility has got to change.

What's the problem with this picture?

James is the dad and Laura is the disobedient child and, last time I checked, no woman wants to sleep with her dad and no man wants to be married to his child so this couple is in a position of boundary crazymaking: James is the overfunctioning co-dependent and Laura is the crazymaker egotist or borderline.  But the pattern belongs to BOTH of them.

And here's the deal: most people's first reaction is to blame the crazymaker and applaud the "responsible."  Here's the problem with that: it takes two to tango.  Both need help in creating AND keeping healthy boundaries if this relationship is going to survive let alone thrive.

Responsible people oftentimes live very irresponsible lives.  They learn early that over-functioning leads to perfection when it doesn't.  They take on other people's baggage as a way of feeling needed, come to the rescue as a means of validating their existence, and seek to control situations, people, and opportunities which is really none of their business.

Yes, responsible people mean well but when their over-functioning leads them to overwhelm, resentment, and self-hate which leaves them with loads of criticism and very few healthy boundaries. 

So if you're one of those "responsible" people with irresponsible boundaries, what do you do?

Here are three places to start:

1) Stop the over-functioning.  You are GOOD ENOUGH exactly as you are.  You do not have to compensate for other people's non-sense.  The moment you draw a line in the sand and say, "No, I will not make up for your sloppiness in this house.  Clean up your own mess" or "No, I will not drop everything I'm doing because you decided to procrastinate and not handle your business" is the moment you stop indulging another person in crazymaking and begin to take your power back.  Start to live by a VERY important saying:  

Poor planning on YOUR part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

2) Get to the bottom of why you feel the need to be so needed.  Over-functioning people tend to have this sense that if they aren't in super rescue mode all of the time, people will forget, abandon, or reject them.  They see themselves as having use value only in what they can do FOR other people and not what they mean TO other people.  At the end of the day, it comes down to self worth.  What is your self worth?  How do you define it?  If you could do nothing for anyone,would you still be worthy of love, respect, and care?  That's the place you need to go to.  It isn't fun or pretty but once you get to the heart of those questions, you'll have a very clear sense of where you learned that your being "responsible" was a requirement to you being loved.

3) Stop fixing people.  NO ONE, no matter how crazymaker or irresponsible they are, needs to be fixed because no one is broken.  You weren't built to be broken and neither was your drama-filled sister.  You are not a broken vase that needs to be put back together or reconstructed and neither is your less-than-perfect spouse.  When you understand that people are whole exactly as they are and you accept the fact that flaws come with being human and the quest is not to fix the flaws but to embrace them, you will let go of a lot of baggage tied to being perfect and to requiring that everyone else around you be perfect as well.  Perfect sucks and when you can get to the place where you no longer criticize yourself or others for not being what they were never meant to be, you'll let the over-functioning non-sense go.

Alright, it's up to you.  Either you want healthy boundaries and happiness more than you want to control and take charge or you want the title of "RESPONSIBLE" more than you want to experience joy and peace.  Your choice...