But what happens when early childhood attachment isn't secure, when a child grows up with the uncertainty of divorce or the sudden grief that comes as a result of death of one or both parents or the constant danger of an abusive or drug addicted parent?
What happens to the child who was born feeling safe only to discover that the most intimate of spaces (i.e. mom and dad) is really the most dangerous of territories?
Earlyhood childhood trauma (loss, grief, abuse, neglect, or abandonment) all have serious repercussions on boundary development. Children go from needing love to needing acceptance so quickly that when parents are either not present (physically, emotionally or mentally) or are present but overbearing and/or abusive, children quickly replace boundaries with emotional walls. The innate sense of safety, in these situations, comes from the child doing whatever he or she has to do to protect him/herself.
Fast forward twenty years and you have an adult who doesn't trust his/her boundaries, doesn't trust the people he/she is supposed to trust most, and looks at the world through lonely eyes. Human begins need connection, relationship and a sense that they have someone to count on when the going gets tough. If your early years are spent protecting yourself from the people who are supposed to love you, your adult years are wasted pretending that you don't need the level of connection and attachment you failed to receive.
Here's the issue: early childhood trauma impairs boundary development but it doesn't have to end it. We continue to develop and refine our boundaries throughout our entire lives. Knowing where we are with our boundaries and how they got that way is a great place from which to redefine and recreate healthy boundaries.
If you've experienced boundary injuries early in childhood, here are 4 things you can do to re-establish healthy boundaries in any area of your life:
1) Pinpoint where in early childhood your boundary development was impaired. There is no better way to do this than to get the support and guidance of a licensed, mental health practitioner. A great therapist can go a long way in helping you uncover the key milestones in your childhood where you lost a sense of safety, felt an impaired sense of attachment and started putting up emotional walls. Can this be done on your own? Yes but it's better if you have the support and guidance of a therapist.
2) Give yourself permission to ask and answer. In order to create healthy boundaries, you have to be able to ask for what you want. More than that, you have to have the courage and the strength necessary to say 'No' to the things you don't want and 'Yes' to the things you do. You have to be able to ask for help and receive it, to speak your truth, regardless of who ends up feeling let down, set up, or disregarded. Remember: Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but you don't have to make anyone else's opinion your fact. In The Healthy Boundaries Master Class, there are a series of audio lessons that teach you how to set limits with key people in your life.
3) Own the fact that you are now the adult who doesn't have to settle for the boundary injuries you took as a child. You are no longer at the mercy of a bigger, stronger adult. You are an adult. Even when dealing with parents, there's no amount of mistreatment that you have to accept. You are in a new realm and, in this realm, you get to call the shots. Own that.
4) Notice when you start to put up emotional walls and consciously and constructively bring then down by reminding yourself that all is well, you are safe, and you have the right to say yes or no as you please. Emotional walls are not boundaries. Boundaries breathe; they allow good things in and keep bad things out. Emotional walls block all things, keeping the bad out but also keeping the good from coming in. Emotional walls will never bring you love, connection or intimacy because they are erected on the understanding that to feel any of that would mean you would no longer be safe. A breach in your security is not a risk an emotional wall is willing to take. You don't want emotional walls to keep you from attaching to the people you really care for. When you know the difference between emotional walls and boundaries, you learn how to set your healthy boundaries firm without compromising the flexibility that comes in experiencing intimacy in relationship.
At the end of the day, childhood trauma has a major impact on boundary development but the impact doesn't have to permanent or lasting. You have the power to redefine and recreate healthy boundaries. It can occur if you take things step by step, recreating boundaries one day at a time, one step a a time, one relationship at a time. It can be done...
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