The 3 Hidden Dangers of Having Secret Boundaries (Read Time: 4 min.)

Everybody has boundaries... but not everyone communicates those boundaries.  In a book called "Boundaries", Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend indicate the following:  

"An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them... If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation."

So... when you cover up your boundaries or pretend like someone bending your boundaries is okay, what are you really doing?  

What are the hidden dangers of pretending 

to not have the boundaries you really do have?  

The reality is this: whenever you say "Yes" to something that you secretly want to say "No" to, you are delivering a fake yes with a strong negative undercurrent of a resentful "No."  You may never say "No" directly and you may comply with the other person's needs but your obedience will be filled with resentment, anger, and frustration.  You may not take any of that anger out on the person bending your boundary but you will find someone or something to project those feelings onto.  At the end of the day, complying with a request that violates your boundaries costs you more than you realize and here are 3 hidden dangers of having secret boundaries (i.e. boundaries that you don't communicate but that get violated with your compliance to another person's request):

Hidden Danger #1: You lose respect for yourself.  Any time you say "Yes" because you don't have the guts to say no, a piece of your self esteem and self respect get taken away.  You criticize yourself more, judge yourself more and, before long, lose the ability to trust your inner knowing to guide future decisions.

Hidden Danger #2: You harbor a resentment that festers inside of you but never gets communicated to the person who needs to hear the truth.  This resentment then lives inside of your body until it one day erupts in some form or another (forms that it can take include disease, stress, anxiety, rage, depression, etc.).

Hidden Danger #3: You use manipulation rather than boundary communication to adjust the boundary line.  This tactic leaves you feeling like a coward.  It becomes a way of life where you feel that in order to get your needs met, you have to trick people into meeting those needs.  You begin to feel like a fraud and that leads you to feel unworthy of having any of your needs met.  This is a slippery slope where you lose both your sense of integrity and your ability to ask for what you want.

At the end of the day, the cost of not openly communicating your boundaries is way higher than the temporary discomfort of having the truthful boundary conversation that needs to be had.  No matter what your fears about expressing your needs, at some point, you have to decide whether you'll tell the truth or live a lie... and then you'll have to live with the consequences of that choice.  Choose wisely...