How to Politely Say 'Back the Hell Off' with Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

Some people like to pick fights...

Others like to ALWAYS be right...

And some people (and, yes, I'm guilty of this) like to have the LAST word...

Whatever a person's boundary bending behavior, it's important to know that you can, in any conversation, at any point, call a time-out on communication that is no longer serving a purpose.

Here are a few signs that the conversation you're having with someone is probably wasting your time:

1. The conversation is moving away from open and leaning more towards defensive
2. The talk is one-sided with one person making all the demands and the other person fighting to get a word in
3. There's no reflective listening going on; no one's reflecting back what the other person is saying (i.e. trying to make sure that before he/she jumps to conclusions, he/she really understands what the other person is trying to say)
4. A patronizing or condescending tone of voice is being used (Look: we've all done this but the moment you start to hear "Yeah, right" or "Sure... uh huh..." or "Whatever", the conversation is going to hell in a hand basket)
5. The other person had a thesis or main point at the start of the conversation and, twenty minutes later, this person is still holding tightly to the "point", regardless of your input 

When any of the above signs are in play in a communication, understand that your boundaries are on the way to (or are currently being) violated and you need to politely, clearly and completely communicate (through your boundaries): BACK THE HELL OFF...

Here's how you do that:

1. Call a literal time out: "We're going around in circles here.  Why don't we take a 5 minute pause, get something to drink and then come back and try this again?"
2. If that doesn't work, call a physical time out: "What we're doing here is draining my energy.  I really want to work through this with you and get to a place where I understand you more.  In order to do that, I need to clear my head.  I'm going to take a walk and I'll be back in twenty minutes.  If you're ready to talk more then, let's go for it."
3. Call it what it is and stop the non-sense: "It seems as if all you care about is being right.  Is that the point of this conversation?"  Now, of course, the person will say "No, I don't always have to be right."  Then you say: "Well what does a win look like for you in this conversation?  What would you like to see happen here?"  If the person is really about being "right", they won't have an answer for you.  You'll see the 'deer in headlights' look and then they'll go right back into being right and you being wrong.  At that point, you say, "Okay, so here's what we can do since we've talked about this issue over and over and nothing's changed.  You can be right because you think you are and I'll be right because I think I am and we'll end this conversation and enjoy the rest of the day.  How'd you like that?"  Is that a sarcastic statement?  Yes.  But it's designed to get the person to see that 1) You are not backing down from your stance, 2) You could care less who's right and 3) If all they care about is being right, they can be right... ALONE. 
4. Speak to the boundary violation and not the person.  In other words, say to the person, "I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now.  I feel like you're verbally attacking me and I know that's not what you want to do.  But, for right now, I need this conversation to end until we both can come back to the table and feel safe and respected.  When would you like to try this again?" 
5. If all else fails, if the person insists on hammering out this conversation, get up, grab your stuff, look that person in the eye and say two things: "I've told you why this conversation is making me uncomfortable and you still aren't hearing it.  Now I'm showing you.  This conversation is over."  And walk out... Done!  It's called a boundary of distance.  When boundary communication doesn't work, your last resort is always to use the boundary of distance.  Notice that you don't run away.  You don't escape away.  You tell the person (in their face, eye-to-eye) what you are showing them and you then follow through with the consequence you said you would.  This is the clearest way to teach someone else how to treat you.  It's not enough to say what you will do; you actually have to do it.