Read Between the Lines: Why You Allow Others to 'Depend' on You So Much (Read Time: 4 min.)

This is not going to be a "hope floats" kind of blog post.  In fact, today's post is a real, up-close-and-personal, let's talk about the elephant in the room, take accountability and love-your-mess kind of post.  Why?  Because people run from the truth.  They refuse to tell each other the truth and if it's one thing I choose to do with this blog, it's this:

I'm going to give it to you straight.  

Brutal honesty?  No.  Rigorous honesty?  Yes.

So let's get down to business...  

Once upon a time, I was one of those people who loved being "dependable" (i.e. being needed).  I was raised the "responsible" one, the oldest child, the one expected to do all the right things in all the right moments. 

Can you relate?  

Well, the gift and curse of being "dependable" is this: when people see that you're exceptionally gifted at being where they want you to be when they want you to be there doing what they want you to do whenever they ask, they will ask AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  And because you find fulfillment in words like "I so appreciate you" or "You're the best" or "I couldn't have done it without you" or "You're a lifesaver", you continue doing the co-dependent thing because above all else, you NEED to be needed. 

But here's the problem with that: 

When you treat your life like it's one big transaction, you end up feeling used. 

So it's time to read between the lines.  The people using you won't ever tell you the truth because they enjoy (or don't even consciously realize that they enjoy) having someone to use.  In a book called Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend indicate the following:

"Co-dependent, boundaryless people 

"co-sign the note of life" for the irresponsible person."

How many people have you co-signed (or are you co-signing) 

the note of life for and still they depend on you for more?  

If your goal is to stop bending your boundaries to the whims and wishes of others, you have to get real with why you do it.  People will depend on you to the extent and as much as you allow.  So the question isn't "Why do they keep depending on me?"  The real question is: Why do I keep allowing them to use me?

And here are some answers:

1) Your giving is motivated by guilt and not love.  Your dependability is based on your sense that you aren't worthy of love if you're not giving, that you have to give in order to get (i.e. to get other people's time, love and affection).  You bargain in your relationships because you aren't sure that people will stick around if you have no chips on the table.  In this way, your internal expectations about love are based on contracts, not covenants.
2) You fear being left so you insist on being needed.  If people need you, then there's a reason for them to stick around.  You've forgotten that you are precious, gifted and never alone.  You see the world as if it's a Murphy's law existence and you use your dependability to keep the other shoe from dropping.
3) You don't know your value apart from the worth other people give you.  Other people's praise is fleeting but this is what you live on; it's what you hunger for.  You crave approval in a way that turns your power over to the people whose approval you need and that keeps you being "dependable" so long as their "liking of you requires their using of you.
4) You'd rather blame other people for "making" you give rather than own the fact that you don't have the guts to not give.  People fear their power to say "No" because they think that their "No" comes with repercussions.  Little do they understand that every fake "Yes" has long-term negative consequences that you cannot hide, deny or avoid.

5) Pity parties are something you enjoy and when people overload you with their wants and needs, it gives you the perfect excuse to throw one. 

6) You've accepted the role of martyr because it's the only one you know how to do really well.  

Harsh words, right?  Sometimes the truth is exactly that way but you need to read the truth so you can accept the truth so you can now declare your own truth.  You no longer have to be Mr. or Ms. "Dependable."  You can now choose to be Mr. or Ms. Brave, Brilliant and Daring.  Does that mean you say "No" to every request?  Of course not.  It simply means you no longer say "Yes" out of obligation, resentment or fear. 

You say "Yes" as a move of power, as an expression of love and knowing full well that at any given moment, you also have the right to change your mind... 

Need help getting there?

Order your copy of 

The Healthy Boundaries Master Class today!

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