Between Loving Yourself & Needing Other People: How to Say No (Read Time: 5 min.)

No is a powerful word.  It's a word that establishes a boundary.  It creates a limit.  It is a word that, when used consciously, has the ability to redraw the lines of one's very existence.  However, "No" is also a word far too many people use against themselves.

"No, I am not worthy."

"No, I don't have the right to say how I feel."

"No, I won't speak the truth."

"No, I am going to be that person that people can depend on, even if it costs me my sanity."

"No, I have to say 'Yes.'"

How often have you said "No" to what you really want, really need and how you really feel... 

only to discover that the silence of your "No" has left you without the power to TRULY say "Yes"?  

It's amazing how much our society plays the tune of "Love requires sacrifice."  You can't pick up a Cosmo magazine or turn on a radio station or watch a sappy chick flick without getting the message loud and clear:

Loving you requires that I sacrifice me.

In what love story does that ever really work out?

But here's the problem: We've been raised on fairy tales but were never told the grim, unfortunate endings of those stories.  We've been longing for fairy tale princes and Cinderella carriages but we so conveniently forget that the prince was once a toad, the carriage became a pumpkin and Snow White spent a loooooooooooooooong time waiting for her true love's kiss.  And the sick part of it is this: we apply this love-requires-sacrifice logic to our boundaries... and then wonder why we're miserable.

And let me spell out the truth:

Loving yourself doesn't have to cause anybody else pain.  

Choosing yourself doesn't mean that you can't also choose others.

You are free to love yourself and, in fact, you NEED to love yourself enough to establish boundaries that honor you AND the other person.  It is not your selfishness that keeps you stuck; it is your selflessness that keeps you a prisoner.

Where did we come up with the term 'selfless' any way?  

It isn't even possible to be selfless so long as you have a SELF. 

We need to make a boundary paradigm shift where we move from looking at creating and keeping healthy boundaries as some optional, selfish thing people do when they're sick and tired to being the natural, loving, conscious thing we do when we realize that the best care we can offer begins and ends at home.

You CAN love yourself and love other people.  You CAN take care of yourself and take care of your kids too.  You CAN fulfill your dreams and, in doing so, be part of the evolution of someone else's vision.  You do not exist in exclusion to anyone else's survival.

We are all intricately connected and when we get that, one truth about our boundaries becomes VERY clear:

Saying "No" is the gift you give to others that gives them permission to say "Yes" to themselves.

This is not an either/or decision.  It's an "I can have both" choice.

So how do you love yourself, honor yourself, and care for yourself when you know that your saying "Yes" to you will leave a lot of people feeling hurt, bitter, or angry about you saying "No" to them?  I'm so glad you asked.

I've been metaphysical up until now so let's get down to the practical.

Here are 4 ways to say "No" wholeheartedly and without regret:

1. Know what you're saying "No" to.  What are you saying "No" to?  Sometimes you're saying no to a request.  At other times, you're saying "No" to a relationship.  Be very clear (before you say no) what you're saying "No" to.  Contrary to popular belief, sometimes your "No" is personal and it's important to know that in advance so when you say "No", you get very clear with the person about what exactly you are saying "No" to. Keep this in mind: if you're saying "No" to a relationship or to a personality, people's feelings WILL get hurt.  It is what it is.  You don't have to defend your right to say "No" but you do have to be up front about what you're saying "No" to so both parties are clear about what that "No" means. 
2. Tell the person what you need, how you're meeting your own needs and why their support (i.e. they're graciously and completing accepting your "No") is so vital to your well-being.  People like to feel important.  They want to know that they made a difference in your life.  When somebody graciously accepts a "No" and honors your boundary, they ARE making a difference and it's important to set up the gratitude for their assistance even BEFORE they give the assistance.  It's a little nudge in the right boundary direction and only you can give it.
3. Say the "No" within 48 hours of knowing that it's the right answer.  So many people prolong saying "No" until they talk themselves out of doing what's right in favor of doing what's easy.  Here's the catch to that: avoidance seems easy when you do it but just wait long enough... The consequences for putting off today what you're bound to do at some point in the future is HUGE.  When you've listened to your inner knowing and the "No" is clear, give yourself 48 hours to communicate it.  Waiting beyond that is asking for trouble and the kind that starts with boundary bending and ends with people pleasing.  Don't do it.
4. Say "No" like you mean it.  Say "No" with conviction, not in hesitancy.  How you say "No" is as important as what you say "No" to.  If you come across wishy washy, people will hear a totally different response.  Remember: you have taught people how to treat you and if this is a new "No", it needs to be given with that much more gravity.  Be clear, be serious, and be steadfast with your "No."  Make sure your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language back that up.

One final point:

You NEVER have to choose.

Wars start because people think they're on opposite sides of humanity when we are all one.  You NEVER have to choose between loving yourself and caring for others.  Both can co-exist.  Accept that as a new core belief and setting boundaries will become that much easier.