7 Signs that "I Need Space" is a Boundary Violation (Read time: 4 min.)

There are many different ways it can be said.  When one or both partners in a relationship declare a need for "space", it's a pivotal boundary moment. 

Is asking for space an attempt to save the relationship... or end it?
Is "I need space" the beginning of the end or a way to slow down and savor what's being built up?

Or is "Give me some space" a form of boundary violation? 

The answer is... Yes and No.

In Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries, Anne Katherine defines two types of boundary violations: intrusion and distance violations. 

What's the difference?

An intrusion boundary violation happens when someone crosses a physical or emotional boundary.  Examples of intrusion boundaries include incest, inappropriate communication, or overly controlling behavior. 

A distance violation is one in which a person inappropriately withdraws or withholds intimacy.  Distance violations are harder to detect than intrusion boundaries.  Most of us know when someone has inappropriately crossed a line.  However, most of us live in a limbo state of confusion when someone withdraws from us.  Oftentimes, we spend days and months wondering, "Did I do something wrong?  Is this person going through something?  Why all the distance?  Am I trying to hard?  If I give them space, will that help?" 

So focused on what you did wrong, this second guessing hurts self esteem and, in the meantime, ignores the real issue:

Is this a distance boundary violation?

Here are 7 signs that "I need space" really equates to a boundary violation:

Sign #1: The person withdraws from you when you show signs of wanting deeper levels of intimacy but comes closer to you when he or she needs comfort. 

Sign #2: The person demands an unspecified amount and duration of "space" out of the blue and cannot clearly explain why space, at this point, is necessary.  This demand for space is enforced without any consideration for or input from you.

Sign #3: The person wants to continue certain aspects of the relationship (i.e. sex, work relationship, borrowing money or items, living arrangements) but does not want to contribute to the relationship in a way that involves emotional investment and commitment.

Sign #4: When you ask to "talk", the person discounts the idea of communicating and dismisses your feelings, needs and desires.

Sign #5: Most of the relationship has existed (and been held together) based on your meeting the other person's demands with no reciprocity of him/her meeting your needs.

Sign #6: You feel compelled to give space because you fear that if you don't, you'll lose the relationship.

Sign #7: You don't feel known by this person.  You have a relationship but not one where you can truly and authentically be yourself, flaws and all.

If any of the above 7 signs seem familiar to you, don't miss out on the upcoming FREE teleseminar:

5 Reasons You Let People

Violate Your Boundaries

& the Two Things You Need to Do

to Stop Allowing It

Saturday, October 1, 2011

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