How to Let Go of What You Can't Control (Read Time: 5 min.)

Part of knowing how to create AND keep healthy boundaries comes in knowing the difference between your circle of control and your circle of influence.  I was sitting in a marriage and therapy class one Saturday and my professor pulled out a sharpie and drew two circles on the board.  She explained this critical distinction and it changed my life... and my understanding of how to set boundaries. 

Far too often we believe we have far more control over OTHER people than we actually have.  We think that if we say the right thing, make the right choices, or demand in a harsh, clear way that people will fulfill our needs by doing what we ask... only to realize that people simply don't work that way.  While we do control ALL of our reactions to the circumstances of our lives, rarely is there a season of life where we control ALL of the circumstances.  For the Type A, overachieving, planners of the world, this is a hard truth to accept but a necessary one if you're going to learn how to create AND keep healthy boundaries.

Your boundaries will be built or broken by your ability to distinguish between situations you can control (i.e. those things in your circle of control) and situations you can influence (i.e. those things in your circle of influence).  Truth be told, there's very little in life that's in your complete circle of control.  That's why, in the diagram, the circle of control is the smaller, inner circle.  It's small in diameter because outside of deciding when you brush your teeth, what you eat for breakfast, and the route you take to work, not much is 100% in your control (and even your route to work could change depending on traffic). 

More than likely, most of the life experiences you have will be held in your circle of influence.  That's why it's the bigger circle... and the more powerful from which to operate in.  Influence is more powerful than control because influence leads to impact.  When you influence a situation, you give it the room to flow as you assist the orchestration of that flow.  You aren't worried about outcomes going a certain way because you influence knowing that you have the capacity to handle whatever comes.  Influence is about serving as a thinking partner to the situation, the person, and the circumstances.  You are not there to dictate but you are there to discuss and deliberate.  From influence comes most of the world's greatest decisions. 

But influence requires solid boundaries.  Most people assume control has clear lines.  You know what you can do and you know what you can't do.  For most people, influence exists in the gray area and people don't know what to do with it.  When you have good boundaries, you don't worry about where your influence begins and ends.  Why?  Because you know where you start and the other person ends.  You know what your role is and you let others be responsible for theirs.  Healthy boundaries are required if you're going to stay in your circle of influence.

And here's the important part: Attempting to act in situations that are in your circle of influence with the rules of your circle of control is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because it'll lead to disappointment, frustration, and anger.  Anytime you're feeling frustrated in a situation, you're probably acting from your circle of control while being in a circle of influence situation.

And here's how you let the need for control go:

1) Recognize control for the illusion it is.  Planning's nice.  Being the driver of your life is key but, at the end of the day, anything could come along and totally change the game.  Be strong enough to steer the course and flexible enough to veer the wheel when life takes a turn.

2) Focus on developing influence, not on maintaining control.  The more you grip control, the more of it you lose.  Focus on building meaning, significance and care into how you handle ALL parts of your life and your level of influence will grow. 

3) Change your approach to handling unexpected circumstances.  Instead of viewing them as problems, look for possibilities.  You'll have to be deliberate about this because, in the moment, you won't feel like there are possibilities.  You'll feel like complaining about the problems.  Be conscious about which one you're choosing.  What you send out will come back to you.

4) Create boundaries that honor influence and disown control.  At the end of the day, healthy boundaries are not about exerting control over other people.  They're about giving space and life to what you need at the same time that you honor the same in others.  Boundaries are not fortresses.  They're permeable parameters that honor you AND the other person.